It's okay to grow up

"because it was true. and it couldn't be helped anyway..."

The Last Summer (of You and Me)

There's always one person who you love who always becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of their lovable qualities are self- destructive and unreasonable.the person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're more often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Kelly Ann Urban

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had just enough time

I'd really like to know something, and if you have an answer I'd really be willing to hear it. WHY does it seem to be that people...not everyone, but some people once you tell the that you have been in an abusive relationship in your past...what is it that makes them think that t is okay to verbally, emotionally, physically, or whatever kind, abuse you yet again?

Tell me: did you think I would be MORE willing to put up with it from you? Did you think that because I had done it before and I had pushed through and made myself only stronger that it was okay to test my boundaries now? Or did you think that maybe because you were a friend and not a lover that it was different?

Well let me tell you something: it's not. I will not put up with it from you and you may be one of my best friends but the way you regularly put me down, make me feel like a shitty person and friend and treat me is not going to last long. Growing stronger from being abused before means that my patience has run extremely short with people who feel as though they can push me around. You and NOT my mother, my lover, or me....so I owe you no explanations as to what I do all weekend. I also do not owe you a text as soon as I step onto campus...and if I do not answer your texts because I am sleeping or better yet if I DID NOT GET THEM you have no right to make me feel as though that it something that I should have done. It is a NICE thing for me to do to text you when I get to campus but I OWE you nothing.

I also do not NEED you nor have I ever NEEDED you. So please next time you want to get angry with me and say hurtful things at least say things that are true. Yes I enjoy your company and yes I enjoy having you around and being able to lean on you as a friend but I do not need you because of it. The way you have been acting lately shows me I do not need it more than ever...and half the time I don't want to be anywhere near you. You lean on me and I lean on you...that is called a friendship...but it does not mean that I need you, and it certainly doesn't mean that you can treat me the way you do. There are very few people that I need in my life and you are not one of them.

Look I know you said that this is who you are and I could take it or leave it because you weren't changing and that's fine because by the looks of it I'll be leaving it no problem. I know all about pushing people away so hard they never want to talk to you again. I know that words can sometimes cut deeper than any kind of weapon that you can get and they leave more lasting and harmful scaring. You want people to always pull when you push but I'm not like that. I have changed and there is now a limit of how much I can let you push till I'm gone. I stick around and through a lot more than most people and I have lot through a lot of you saying really hurtful things to me over the last 8 months...but you ARE going to change that or you ARE going to lose me. It's that simple. If my best friend was doing the same thing you are I would be telling her the same thing, but she's not. She knows better than to push my limits and to verbally abuse me the way you do.

So take you're time, because YOU are the one who said "FUCK YOU." last night, not me. You are the one who called me a baby yet again. but the difference is you are the weak one, because I never put you down last night even when that was all you were doing to me. I've grown and you, you've stayed the same. You will keep finding yourself losing friends if you keep this up..so many it is time to make a change. Just saying, you're walking a really thin line right now. How could you possibly think that this was okay?

You're my favorite little punching bag

Do I have punching bag written on my forehead or something? Is it a well known fact spread amongst people that I both know and do not know that I will put up with your crap for an obnoxiously long time, while you constantly put me down and make me feel like the worst person/friend in the entire world?

Well that part of me was probably one of my better qualities...yet it's been one of the most abused and therefore I want to rejecting that part of my personality. I think when you melted my frozen heart you did it so quickly that I was inspired to not only let you in and people who deserved it, but also the people who didn't. The people who have done nothing since but occasionally rise me up but more often than not try to stomp me down into the ground and even those who see that I am already on the ground and insist that they push me through the cold and heart earth we walk upon. No; I am finally limiting this part of my personality before I lose myself again to the harshness of winter ice.

This is not to say that I am not fighting to keep from becoming the ice queen with no emotional connection to anything or anyone again. I am simply harboring my most prized possession beyond the lock and key that are harder to reach than the possession itself. Those undeserving will quickly come across the lock but give up before coming anywhere close to the key. Yet I am blaming no one but myself, for thinking that the world was somehow different. That people were somewhat more deserving and less cruel than they had been years ago when my heart completely froze over for the first and only time. Since it was frozen there was no way to get hurt but there was no way to feel...when it defrosted I knew both of those would come back but I out weighed the good from the bad and I still do.

But you don't deserve what I have to offer. You abuse the advances I allowed you and you have pushed me down beyond my breaking point on several occasions. You abuse your own faults and assume that I will just take in this abuse of me and let you get away with treating me like a punching bag. What you have ignored is the fact that the punching bag no longer exists. The punching bag was beaten down and ripped apart this year and therefore it has disappeared...what you now were punching at was my pure and unprotected heart. And yet this heart is stronger than the last. This one took the pain instead of freezing over to block it out, and now you will pay for tying to break again my newly whole heart. Not through the means of revenge; but instead in the loss of someone who actually genuinely cared for you.

For I have learned over the year that it is not the weak heart who walks away because it is time to leave, but more that it is the weak heart who walks away in fear. I do not fear you or the hurt that you bring me. I have just simply endured it and put up with it longer than is necessary and now I have made the choice to leave. I have made the choice to walk away with a full heart and not a fearful one. You don't scare me, but you did and do hurt me and that is not acceptable on a regular basis in a best friendship. I have grown within myself, maybe you should try to do the same. I feel you would find much you disapprove of in others within yourself.