I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. What I mean to say is, is that in relationships, either I'm totally all in, not really going to back out unless I'm forced out, or I'm the girl who can walk away at any moment without a second thought. And for a long time in this thing...I was the latter, but I'm not anymore. I know you love me and I love you so much too...but if you're going to try and pull the same mask over my head, you've got another think coming.
I am no longer the girl that is afraid to go all in because I might get hurt. I already got hurt once and I thought I would never be able to do it again...but If you left, it would be...Horrible, but I think eventually I could get over it just like I did before. So, I'm not afraid of jumping all the way in anymore because the fear of rejection just isn't the same as the first time. I haven't made you my whole life; I've been really careful not to do that because that was my worst mistake last time. I let Jude become my entire life and that wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to myself. But like I said, I haven't made you my whole life. I have on the other hand made you a huge part of my life, a part that if gone would not be filled again in the same way.
What I need...is for you to allow me to be that part in yours as well. I know you've been hurt before and I know that every girl since has told you that she would never do that to you and then broken that. But I won;t make that promise. I don't make those kind of promises that could be broken, because broken promises aren't always in our control. But if you want to be this big a part of my life...I need for you to offer me that same part in your heart. I want you to consider me when you make decisions. I don't always need to be a deciding factor, because holding you back in anyway is never going to be my goal. In fact I wish to push you towards your goals rather than drag you from them. I just want to be considered, to be let in the loop, and not feel like I am an afterthought; because that is exactly what I feel like right now, an afterthought.
I love you so very much and for you to think that I would ever intentionally be un-supportive of your wants, aspirations, goals, whatever hurts me so deeply. I want to be your team mate and your cheerleader. (sorry for the sporty references, I know you don't like sports) but fine, I want to be the Cl- to your Na+. Not to say I want to be negative to your positive....I just want to be there...ya know?
Always love,
Linds
