I know it's not healthy. I know I'm not healthy. I KNOW it's gone, but I can't help it. God I wish I could. I wish I could stop remembering every single stupid little thing about you and me and us and what we wanted and what I wanted with you. I wish I could just STOP reading because whenever I read, I know I'm going to get hurt. I know all I'm going to feel is pain, because all the memories start rushing back and I think I'm ready but then I get punched in the chest, HARD and I wonder what the hell I was thinking in the first place even thinking about starting this back up.
I know me, and I know I am hurt. I know I am still broken, but here's the thing that's changed:
Every once in a while you try to convince yourself you still love me somehow through all of this and every once in a while I try to convince myself I'm over you. I think we're both lying and that's unhealthy. I thought being away would make things different. I thought I would find guys who struck me in ways you never did, never could...but that fucking movie. That stupid fucking movie that I HATE, LOVE. Well that movie is ruining it for me. That movie fucks my perfect little streak up every time. My perfect streak of convincing myself I'm over you. That streak that keeps me glued to my A&P books and that perfect little streak that makes me think that I can just look up one day and you'll be replaced in my heart.
I need to stop reading. I need to block myself from reading, because all it does is hurt me and make me miss you more. I don;t know you anymore, and yet I still love you. How is it possible to love a stranger? How is it possible to love someone who you thought you held and knew the core of, but ever that isn't yours anymore? You gave away my core...and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy that you're happy. Even if it means you're not with me, because that's what a best friend is. That's what a best friend does, and I thought I was still your best friend, but I don't think I'm even that anymore. I know I did this to myself. That i backed out, that I holed away and I left my place be taken, but I just wish there was a way to get it back.
I know who I am. I know what I want. I know how to take care of myself. I can live alone and not be scared. The future doesn't scare me anymore because I don;t even worry about it anymore. I don't think about it, because there's too much going on here and now that I'll miss if I start living in the future again. I'm okay. I am capable of being alone and happy. I just never thought I would miss having someone so much. So I hope you are happy. I pray each night that you are doing well and that you will have a happy life with the person you someday love and marry. I worry about you and I care for you. But I am okay. Just one week out of the month, all of this falls apart, and I lose and you win again.
