I honestly never do.

I'm not really all here. I haven't really been all here since he came and went. But you don't see it. Or at least if you do see it, if you do see that I haven't been all here....well, you haven't said anything about it. I haven't really been all here. And I haven't really been elsewhere either. I'm trapped; trapped in this limbo of sorts between the reality that's in front of my eyes, the reality you are planning for us, for a future you believe we will have together and I'm somewhere else. Somewhere...where people get hurt.

I'm seeing lots of hurt, because of all the wrong kind of love. Or maybe it's the right kind of love. How can I at 23 be expected to seriously be thinking about producing another human life....about sharing the human life I already have with someone or multiple persons. I don't know who you think I am....but what if I'm not her. What if I can never be her? What if I am someone else's her. Not your her, but my own her. His her.

I don't want to talk to your friends or my friends or our friends about my body. About my reproduction plans. I don;t want to talk about or plan a future with you, not a wedding, not children...I'm not even sure of tomorrow.

I know I'm good at this. I have always been good at this; finding someone every other girl dreams of, and not  wanting those dreams for myself. Finding ways to mangle those dreams and crush them till to me, their realistic. I'm not a dreamer who wants the reality. I just want the dream. The reality is a different want; a selfish want.

I'm not ready to spend forever....I'm not ready to discuss forever. I just want to get through tomorrow. Not your tomorrow. My tomorrow. I know I'm a selfish person. I know that. I also know I am incredibly giving and caring person.

                                 


                                  But loving...yea I can love you.
                                                         Just don't plan on forever.

I honestly never do.