Why is it always so easy for everyone else to move on? Why was it so easy for you to move on? I mean I guess it wasn't and I probably didn't make it any easier...but you still made it seem flawless. I wish...well I envy that about you. I envy your ability to just pick up and move on so fluidly. Maybe it's because all I've ever done when it comes to relationships is play games.
Games inside my head. Games about what's inside your head. Games about how much this relationship means to you. Games about how far I can push you till you break; till I break. I guess you were right about me always playing games. But what happens when I don't want to play games anymore? What happens when I need you to stop playing games too? Where do we go from there? Can a relationship even be a relationship to me without the games? Can I even do it? These are questions that you helped bring about.
How can someone be so into you one minute and the next it's like you never meant a single thing but a string of words put together?
Did I mean anything to you? Do I mean anything to you? How did you move on so fluidly? Will you teach me? Because I wish I could. I wish that the front I put up for moving on from people was real. I wish I could just move on...not forget about it, but just move on from it. But there's something that keeps me there. Maybe it's the unanswered questions...or maybe it's fear. Fear of never having that again no matter how long and far I search.
I won't settle for anything less. I won't put up with the games and the lies and the hurting...the constant hurting. I won't go back to that...but if I could just find another you...but the you I want you to be. The you that was meant for me. If I could just find that I would be okay. Not that I'm not okay now. I'm surviving and I'm living...I'd just like to be able to share that life...this life with someone who wants to share it with me too. Who can do this...the whole thing...all of me and nothing less than all of me. I want a better you for me and I want to be a better me for the better you.
So the games are ending now. I'm getting tired of playing them and I want someone who is getting tired of playing them as well. I wonder if you're out there. I wonder if I'll ever show you this blog. I wonder so many things about you and me and our life together...I miss you. I hope to meet you soon...or maybe I already know you.
Love forever,
Lindsay Rose
