Alright have any of you ever checked out of the relationship before the other person but knew they weren't really in it either so you sort of just let them dump you because you didn't want to deal with it? Okay cool. Well that's usually the first step. But then they dump you and everything gets all messed up. (like the relationship wasn't messed up in the first place) But anyways. SO they dump you and instead of acting like some crazy bitch you act calm and cool as a cucumber about it and even suggest staying friends if that is what they'd like. (that's where EVERYTHING literally goes awry) There seems to be something in their brain that goes off and decides "nope...there's no way someone can be this calm after I dump them, nope, I'm gunna get to the bottom of this. " So what they do is they push you and nag you and make you seem like a really awful person for NOT being ridiculously upset that they dumped you even though they weren't even into the relationship either so why the heck should it even matter...they even go as far as to call you a slut, or a whore or a tease and a bitch or whatever insults that they think would suit you enough to tell them exactly WHY you want to stay friends still, WHY you aren't sitting in front of them bawling your eyes out and begging for them back.
And that's when you become the crazy person that you were avoiding in the first place...
That is what happens to me.
That's when my instinct to push you away as fast as possible kicks in. To get you to not to care so much anymore at any cost. It causes me to lie and do the craziest shit I've ever done in my life just so that you think I'm so crazy you get mad at me and you want nothing to do with me anymore. I can make you think that I'm going to drink myself dead, or that I go up to my room and I cry for hours; make you think I get extremely violent to the point where I'll beat the living shit out of you or I just plain turn into a dirty bitch. (non of which I have ever really done over someone but all of which I have had a history in so it's not too hard to convince you, even though all of that stuff happened a long time ago and I have grown way beyond pretty much all of it) And it works every time...well almost every time. There are two people who are still around even though I pretty much pulled all of the bull shit on them too...that's how I know I am crazy but sometimes someone who actually cares will just sit through it and wait patiently for me to finish trying to push them away till I get tired of trying and just accept that they are going to be a permanent fixture in my life...and I LOVE them both very much for it. They mean absolutely EVERYTHING to me because they're the two people that allow me to still believe that I'll find someone and get happily married someday even if if I try to push them away like this. And that's the only type of person I'm going to want anyways.
Thanks for listening. I just really needed to tell someone that I KNOW that I'm crazy..and that I do really dumb things...but it's MY way of seeding out the rotten apples from the absolute best. Sorry for hurting your feelings and pretending to be someone that I'm REALLY NOT. I'm working on it, or at least I like to pretend that I am because If I am being completely honest I know I won't stop being this crazy because now it's just all part of what makes me, me. And someday I'm going to find them. I'm going to find the one and I am going to have no one to thank but the two of you.
So thank you.
