Do I have punching bag written on my forehead or something? Is it a well known fact spread amongst people that I both know and do not know that I will put up with your crap for an obnoxiously long time, while you constantly put me down and make me feel like the worst person/friend in the entire world?
Well that part of me was probably one of my better qualities...yet it's been one of the most abused and therefore I want to rejecting that part of my personality. I think when you melted my frozen heart you did it so quickly that I was inspired to not only let you in and people who deserved it, but also the people who didn't. The people who have done nothing since but occasionally rise me up but more often than not try to stomp me down into the ground and even those who see that I am already on the ground and insist that they push me through the cold and heart earth we walk upon. No; I am finally limiting this part of my personality before I lose myself again to the harshness of winter ice.
This is not to say that I am not fighting to keep from becoming the ice queen with no emotional connection to anything or anyone again. I am simply harboring my most prized possession beyond the lock and key that are harder to reach than the possession itself. Those undeserving will quickly come across the lock but give up before coming anywhere close to the key. Yet I am blaming no one but myself, for thinking that the world was somehow different. That people were somewhat more deserving and less cruel than they had been years ago when my heart completely froze over for the first and only time. Since it was frozen there was no way to get hurt but there was no way to feel...when it defrosted I knew both of those would come back but I out weighed the good from the bad and I still do.
But you don't deserve what I have to offer. You abuse the advances I allowed you and you have pushed me down beyond my breaking point on several occasions. You abuse your own faults and assume that I will just take in this abuse of me and let you get away with treating me like a punching bag. What you have ignored is the fact that the punching bag no longer exists. The punching bag was beaten down and ripped apart this year and therefore it has disappeared...what you now were punching at was my pure and unprotected heart. And yet this heart is stronger than the last. This one took the pain instead of freezing over to block it out, and now you will pay for tying to break again my newly whole heart. Not through the means of revenge; but instead in the loss of someone who actually genuinely cared for you.
For I have learned over the year that it is not the weak heart who walks away because it is time to leave, but more that it is the weak heart who walks away in fear. I do not fear you or the hurt that you bring me. I have just simply endured it and put up with it longer than is necessary and now I have made the choice to leave. I have made the choice to walk away with a full heart and not a fearful one. You don't scare me, but you did and do hurt me and that is not acceptable on a regular basis in a best friendship. I have grown within myself, maybe you should try to do the same. I feel you would find much you disapprove of in others within yourself.
