I HATE when people tell you how you are feeling or should feel. It drives me up a wall. I'm sitting here with one of my better friends here at Salem State, and she's telling me that because I have an uncontrollable crush on a guy that is now a part of our staff that I'm acting like I am in 8th grade. Well, I'm sorry that I'm learning how to get over people instead of clinging to them for life and never finding happiness. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry I work differently from you. I NEED to get over her, and he DOES look like HEATH LEDGER. So, sorry to disappoint, but I DO like him, even though he smokes more than i would ever like and he has a few scars on his body, and he has "stupid" facial hair according to you. I'm sorry but you are just going to have to get over the fact that it's over and it's never going to happen again, and I'm finally getting back to the REAL ME.

So thank you very much.

LOVE LOVE LOVE,

your long time boy crazy pal,

Elle

I am so tired of people not following through and making stupid ass excuses for their reasons for being a shitty person. DO NOT say that people don't give you enough notice if every time they DO, you find a way NOT to make it anyway. I am so tired of being the person who TRIES to make everything work and having it NEVER work out. I am tired of my BEST FRIEND never coming to visit me even for the DAY because she doesn't like to drive in MA. I make the fucking effort to get there when I can, and I HATE paying the amount of money that I do, but I get there. I am so tired of playing these games with everyone. I wish people would just...just not get my hopes up just so they can crush them.

Love,

Elle

So, I can officially hold food down again. For about two minutes before it starts threatening to come back up. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Everything is normal one minute and the next its all fucking crazy and I'm wanting to die and the very next I'm numb again. Someone please explain to me HOW I get myself into shit like this? It's so stupid. I am tired of being the best friend who can't do anything right and when she does it doesn't even make her happy. Ugh, someone please just tell me you like me and you want to kiss me so that I don't have to listen to her talk about how much she wants to kiss her and all the other nasty TMI crap that the other tells me without actually having to picture the person I am so in love with getting it and LIKING IT from some other chick four years older than me. I always thought people liked 'em younger, but maybe that's just guys. MAYBE lesbians are totally different and they LIKE them OLDER. ugh...that would explain me. FML seriously. Fuck it. I'm done writing about how I suck as a person, when it's so CLEARLY everyone else. I need to get out of MASS.

Love,

Elle

I HOPE SOMEONE PUNCHES HIM and tells him that he is a piece of shit and that what he's doing isn't okay. I hope that someone can knock some sense into him and tell him that hes not only hurting me but his friend and they both suck. That is my opinion. I don't know how much longer I can stand not telling him that ruining a marriage is FUCKED UP whether its intentional or not.

LOVE

elle

Hey all.

Sooo I took a summer class this summer to make up for my bad grades in my History 102 class this past spring semester. The final was on Wednesday this past week and today I received an e-mail from my professor. Actually to tell the story right my professor dropped the first letter in my e-mail address and accidentally send the e-mail to my mom. My mom then forwarded it to me. I have been freaking out about this final grade for the last few days because I really want to be a nurse and I spent a lot of money on this class to get a better grade and well if your mother send you an email starting off with "Your professor accidentally e-mailed me. Call me asap" it kinda makes your heart jump up into your throat. BUT....I GOT AN A in the class!!!! This grade will thusly increase my cumulative GPA and hopefully allow me to be re-entered into the Nursing Program here at the wonderful Salem State College. This is most likely the best news I could have hoped for goig into my Sophomore year here...other than that other thing.

Now, new roomies!!! For the fall this year I will be living in the Central res. Hall where I will share an apartment styled living quarter with 5 of my closest friends. As you should know, or maybe not, because I'm not sure if I've told you, but Laura one of my closest friends from last year will not be coming back due to some personal complications. I honestly will miss her so much, although she was a lot of drama and problems, I will never forget what she has done for me and hopefully will continue to do for me in the future. I know she is a friend for life...just not sure when in my life yet. But my other fabulous five friends and I have set apartment rules and are gathering our materials to have one of the most fabulous apartments in all of SSC. I am truely excited for the school year to get started. For all of those who don't know...Ash and I will be rooming together again. I don't know how it will go, but I hope well. She is after all my best friend on campus, and we have some realy cool ideas for our room so I'm still hopeful. Maybe that's naive or whatever, but like my other friend, who will remain nameless said "What other way could it be? No other way makes sense." SO we will just have to SEE!!!!

Family: Shawn and meryl are officially off to JAPAN this winter break where Meryl will write cool haiku"s about their style of tattooing while Shawn does some hands on testing. It is very exciting. Smace comes back in september from hersummer bike trip across the United States. If you want to check out what's she's doing www.jointhecycle.com. I plan to attend their finale celebration party in Boston, MA in late september. Whitney is starting off her SENIOR year at Newington High which is probably good because she seems to really hate it there..though having gone through it myself, I really can't balme her. I can't wait to see where she'll be attending college in the fall. She of course has the best grades and the most options than any of the rest of her sisters. We all sort of suck at school, while she shines like those annoying headlights of teh person behind you on the highway. =) DAD is currently in FL biking an average of 20 miles or so a day, while MOM is home visiting with Meryl and Shawn while they are home for a short visit. They went and picked blueberries yesterday...YUMMM. Both of my parents will be entering their second to last year before they can retire somewhere like oh...their FL beach house and enjoy bathing in the sun down there in the winters and then head up north for the cooler, less predictable summer months. It all sounds like it's going to be okay.

I am obviously in a much better mood now than my last blog, but I really feel like it's pointless to sit around crying and whining about it. It happened, now it's time for me to get on with my life. What she still doesn't seem to understand is that I'm never going to really leave her. I might date someone else or be happy, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her everyday and taht i wouldn't do ANYTHING to be back to where we were. But I also understand the need for some space to fgure out what she wants to and who she is. Well, we'll see won't be. If it's mean to be, it"ll happen. Meryl knows that better than anyone.

Well, I'm off to work for the night. I hope all of you are doing well and I'll keep you updated,

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Elle <3

Hey there fellow bloggers. I told you it would be sooner than six months before I hopped back onto this page. Unfortunately I still am not doing quite so great with keeping up on this thing as well as i would have liked. Well I suppose I ought to let you know what's going on and all that. The summer is soon going to be over for me as well as some others. i took a class this summer (history 102) again so taht I could bring up my GPA in hopes of getting back into the Salem State nursing program. I discovered through out the past year that although I do have much respect for teachers I am not the type of person that would be able to make a career out of it. I much prefer the blood and guts as well as helping to save lives bit. This discovery was concieved after taking an Education class that required me to observe a high school classroom for 15 hours as well as talking to a new friend Laurie Groth. Laurie Groth is Engaged to another new friend of mine Rachel Michaels. I am glad to say that they are scheduled to be married next August. Unfortunately they will be leaving for tyear to move down to NY so thatRachel and Laurie can tighten the bonds of love with Laurie's family on Long Island.

This summer has also been good and bad for Ash and I. We spend a lot of time together because we work in very close distance of eachotherand that has been a wonderful privelege not to grow apart from eachother on distance, but part of me fears that although we are so close, we have started to grow apart as well. We both have relationship struggles in which mine is usually some time in teh first two weeks of teh relationship and hers is right around the one year mark (right now for us). I having never been in a serious relationship before this am slightly childish in my ways of thinging where i had always hoped that the person in which I would choose to spend a real relationships period in would ultimately be the one person that I would spend the rest of my life with. But now, I am afraid that may not be the case. I am glad that I am older now and I understand that that is nearly an impossible situation for the average person, but it is still hard to watch your second eldest sister get married to the guy she fell in love with in high school while you struggle to find someone you are compatable enough with to even want to date for more than two weeks. As silly as it sounds, I want that person to be Ash. I'm not saying that things are going to be perfect or even easy all the time. I know that we both have huge issues to overcome, but I am putting myself on the line for the first time in my life to tell her that I will love her until my blood runs cold. I have never felt so much love for someone in my whole life and I don't care how lost or depressed or scared she is, because I will always be here to help her through the fire and ice that may or may not await. I know I can't understand her despression like someone else who has gone through it can, but I am willing to try my very hardest just to even have the slightest idea as to what she's going through. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust her with my heart. I know this probably sounds silly and childish but for those of you who have ever been so in love with someone that you would go to the ends of the earth, fight whoever and whatever and pour your heart and sould out to even see this person never mind have the pleasure of being with them, you must know how this feels. I know I am in love this time, because even the thought of taking a break where I might have to sit on the sidelines while someone else cares for her makes my heart slightly break each time. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I really do. i'm finally not afraid to say it and mean it. But I'm scared that I may be too late. That she may already be too broken and gone for me to have anymore, for her to want me anymore. And I cried so hard last night and the night before at the thought of loosing her that I completely collapsed to the cement ground from exaustion after. I just want her to be okay...and I know that she may never recover completely, but I'm not asking for perfect...I'm just looking for the girl I fell in love with...and she's sitting right in front of me.

Well, now that I got those emotions out of the way this summer so far has sucked. I am tired of living with a bunch of people who constantly shit on one another and seem to hate eachother so much. I am tired of not having any of my friends around to talk to and to hang out with. I am tired of bring so far away from home and my family and my friends back in CT. I never thought I would ever say this in a million years, but I miss Newington CT. I miss home and the ability to just go whereever I want when I want and to do whatever I please. This summer job has been like a noose around my neck for a very long time. AND I AM TIRED OF IT. I thought I was going to be living on my own with no real rules and such but the fact is is that because this job is pretty much a 24 hour job it's nearly impossible to ever get a significant amount of time where I do not need to be on campus or within a mile or two from it, which if you have any idea of what working for the fuck tards in reslife is like you must hate your life as well. Its awful to feel like your under constant observation. Its just friggin awful. And therefore i never want to work this job again. I know that this isn't technically a 100% for sure possibility. But i do know if it's possible next summer to live my life and get a job that I don't have to GO HOME to as well, then I'd much rather take that than this.


Now, friends. I recently became friends with Rachel and Laurie. They are a lesbian couple due for a wedding come August 2010. They are a wonderful couple to hang out with and to have Buffy marathons with. I personally haven't watched Buffy in years so it was nice to finally get back into it and have people to talk to about it who think it's just as dorky as you do but who also love it as much as you do. They are also a really fun couple to double date with. They always have fuin things to do as well as they are just a fun couple of people to sit around with and shoot the shit. I really enjoy their friendship as well as enjoy them as human beings. Laurie is also really great to talk to because she's already a nurse and it's nice to have someone to have a talk to about my future who's already there but isn't so tired of it that they only tell you the bad things about it. I also enjoy Rachel's company though becuase she always has some interesting to talk about and she honestly reminds me of people from home and especially Meryl and Shawn. ( who im going to see this weekend!!!!!) But we recently had a little bit of a falling out and they're moving away to Long Island for the year before their wedding and I don't think I'll be able to see them before they go Hopefully though if things come back together we can all be friends and hve a buffy get together sometime in the near future at their new apartment in NY!!!!! It's very exciting to finally have friends from another state other than vermont (maggie) and CT (all my home friends). I will miss them very much.

Well, that seems like the best I can do right now and like I seem to say a lot, I will try to keep up better with this blogging business. toodles

Elle