Leaving after the holiday week(end) and I feel so much better. I needed this so bad. Time with my friends who I've had since elementary school. Time with my family. And time with my best friend. This sort of simplicity amazes me and makes me feel so warm it practically burns away the frigid ice forming over my heart up in MA. I love it here... even when I'm fighting with them and crying with them... this place will never be anything to me but home. A place where I and so many others are ALWAYS loved. I love it here so much... I'm really not ready to leave just yet. Even if it's only for 2.5 weeks. I almost Don't want to ever go back. But, I know in the end.. everything is going to be okay. Thank you for showing me a world of love and happiness an compassion while I grew up. Sometimes i forget now that it exists in the first place, but then I come home and I bring others home and you show me and them how warm people can be even in the coldest weather outside.

I have written about this before but it's also totally new. It's about places that hold memories. Places that hold feelings. Places that hold doubt and stress; hope and loss, death and life. These places are bound to me in inexplicable ways yet, I wonder is it possible to ever let those places go? Maybe not the ones that hold your own memories, but perhaps feelings that you associate with those places. I go by this place at least once a week, and at first it was a place of beauty. A place that held secrets from the world, and kept it deep within its shadowed stone, but now it is associated with something cruel and loveless. It is loss that I have come to associate this place with, betrayal and distrust. But lately as I pass this place all I feel is the emptiness it holds. All that I know of this place is dissolving away as the winter cold washes over all of the secrets and carries them back out into the world where they can be shared with someone more in need of them and where I no longer have to feel the emotions that it hides. This is why I wonder if places although holders of memories, have the ability to release the feelings associated them...because if they do, I wonder if stone can release all that it holds onto, If I can do the same.

She who was lost has not been found, but has indeed found a light at the end of the tunnel of dread. Receiving what she wished she needed was the final straw not to break her but to set her free. It is true that in searching for one's self, we look to everyone but the inside of our own hearts. No one can save you but yourself. She was no different. Finally...after all of the dark days and lost hours, she retrieved what had truely been lost. It was not the relationship in which she dreamed would brng about a change in her world, but it was the lost person hiding within her very own soul. Without it happiness would never truely have been possible; not that she had understood that until the dreams had slowly revieled what truely lie beneath. Dangerous was her trek, and many a time it was given up, but only a loved soul could have survived it. I guess I never realized how much I was lost before I was found, and found by no one but myself. But I also have never felt so loved even when I was blind to love and only looked upon hate and excuse. Interesting how things have a way of working themselves out right when you actually need them to.

Elle

So lost. Need air. Need to breathe. What's wrong. I'm scared. She's gone. Lying in Despair. Drowning slowly. Quickens fast. Sink lower. Deep within. Cant get out. Need to breath. So lost. Need someone. Anyone. Her. Back.

Is it true that we always want what we can't have? Is that even a fair statement? Does that provide the answers we've been searching hundreds of years for? It may not provide us with all the answers, but it definitely provides us with some. But for me it only increases my questions: If we always want what we can't have how can we ever truly be happy....never mind be happy with what we do indeed have. Will we always be looking for the next best thing? How could someone promise to love you forever if they are always going to search for the next best thing? What is happiness then? It's this thing that we strive for but does it exist? Damn right it does, because I knew it once. I knew what utter and total happiness was for a small part of my life and right now it's gone, but I'm sure as fuck going to get it back. I loved the way it felt and now I want to feel that way again, no matter what the cost.

Elle

So, were sitting together in your room. With our beds pushed together and you sitting on the floor in front of your computer while I sit at my desk typing this. I just took a shower and now we're listening to some music. The song that just came on is Alexi Murdoch- orange sky. This is a totally new song to me, yet I can still find a tie to you and me in it. I want to be whole again. I'm tired of feeling only half full because I need my other half. I had my other half for a while and then it was lost and stolen and then buried deep and far away in another world. I know it's trying to find it's way back to me, but sometimes, I wonder if it will just stop where it was stolen and stay. The future used to be my biggest fear, but that has now taken it's place. Just as I am scared that someday she will take my place and I won't even know it happened. I don't want to be lost forever, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to be. I'm terrified of the amount of me that you encompass. I am scared and thrilled by the love we could have, that we have had, and what I sometimes glimpse of what we do have. I want you to know that I do in fact never have a time when I don't want to kiss you. There are times I doubt the intention of your kisses, but never the less, there has yet to be a time in which I do not want to feel the warmth of your kiss and the heat that emits itself only to me in that moment. Don't worry love, that is my job and mine alone.

Love F&A,

ELLE