I feel like college is that summer worse X100.


I think this may be quite possibly the first time in my life that I am ready to grow up. I have prolonged this process for as long as it can be prolonged and I will always keep my childish enthusiasm, but I have reached the point in my life where growing up is essential to becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm not terrified that I am growing up, but I am terrified that I am going to loose my best friend in the process. Things have noticably changed between the two of us. We are becoming more and more different the longer we are separate. This has never been an issue seeing as we are each others counterparts, and therefore completely different while still combining to form a whole. But, I am afraid that we are both making decisions that are going against everything that we ever thought would comprise of our futures and that in itself is the thing that truly scares me. I have never been one for the future. I hate teh unknown, but as of late I have started to embrace the common knowledge that I cannot control my life as much as I wish I could. But the fact is, I don't wish I could control my life, I only wish that I could control teh most important parts. But, in controlling those parts, I have come to realize that I will miss out on so much of life that I would never know existed if I control the most important aspects of my life. Yes Kel, relationships do stop if you do not feed them, but if I remember correctly, we did not properly feed ours for many years and all we had was camp. I have no fear that if we at some point stop feeding our relationships that we will someday be drawn back to the same place in which they were held together all those years. Yes, I love camp. But I do not love the camp that is now. I love the camp of my childhood. The camp that made me the good person that I am today. The camp that held me close to you and you to me. The camp that did not allow electronics or need pretty clothes. I love the camp that I almost went blind at because I got mud in my eyes during a mud fight. I love the camp that I lusted after so many boys at. I love the camp that we are known as no one other than KellyLindsay (one word) at. But camp os no longer anything but fond memories to me. It is not a place I wish to return to so that I can ruin my memories of it. I am happy with the memories that I have and I cannot wait to send my own children to it. (hopefully alongside yours) But I have to move forward, and so do you. Carving the tree there has been something that we have carried on and should continue to carry on because it is a symbol that we love and cherish and rejoice the memories that we had there, but we cannot live in the past forever. At some point we need to turn around and realize that we have not attended that camp in over 4 years. That you are about to go into your final year in college and that I am going to be training to be a nurse. That we have both found and lost love. That we are easily turning into the beautiful and strong and wise adults that we always knew that we would be. We will make mistakes along the way and we will do things that we never dreamed we would but fear not because I know in the end we will always have each other to lean on no matter what. I will always be here for you in some form or another just as you have always and will continue to always be here for me. We fluctuate and no one, and I literally mean no one will ever understand the means by which our friendship works but we know it does and we believe in it and that to me is all that matters. I love you kel. Now hold my hand and we will walk forward in life and love together. I miss you and I wish there was some way to be together this new years, because it'll be weird not having you there for the first time in like 8 years. alright. I'm gonna go to bed now but I love and miss you and I cannot wait for break so we can start growing together again.

Love you to the moon,

The dark, The moon, The sky, Jelly

"Those who dream by day are aware of many things that escape those who dream only by night."

Keep dreaming with me =)

Just you wait.
I'm gunna fly.
I'm gunna fly so high.
And up that high you'll never be able to reach me.
Not even if you try.

why do I ALWAYS have to be the strong one?
why cant you ever just be here for me? JUST ONE TIME KEL!!! why can't you ever just figure out that maybe I need you and you need to be here for me. You actually need to drop everything in your life for just a few fucking hours and just be here for me. ya know? Just the way I have ALWAYS been there for you. the way I have dropped everything to be with you and be there for you in your hardest moments. DO NOT tell me to just stick it out and I'll be home soon. I dont want to be anywhere near a hundred miles from you right now. I CANNOT BELIEVE that you can't even fucking drive up here. That in all those times I said I needed you that you could be here even ONE TIME! Christ Kel. Where were you when I tried to kill myself this summer? Where were you when I took so many pills I slept through a whole shift? Where were you all those night I had to cry myself to sleep while you were off having some great fucking summer with Jerry? and now, I know when Derek breaks your fucking heart I WILL be there to help pick up the fucking pieces and I WILL be there when you say you need me and you feel like dying and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. I will fucking be there for you. Even though you were never here for me.l

I have so many things I want to say to every last one of you stupid bunch of bitches..but I won't stoop to your immature, never going to grow the fuck up, need to shut the fuck up and stop thinking your so hot everyone wants to hit on you, can't ever let things go, worse than the richest brattiest tween, gay as the day is long, rumor spreading, lying between your stupid fucking teeth, can't talk like reasonable adults, acting like you are so much better than everyone else in the whole world, gossiping, slutty sleeping around,lying and bitching and cheating, self idolizing peevish little twirpy LESBIAN ways. So why don't you all go drive away listening to Tegan and fucking Clara in your stupid dyke mobiles followed by a friggin U-haul on to the next poor bitch who decides that you're even worth their time and get the fuck over yourself and grow the fuck up on the drive over. And you....all you stupid people who think I'm ratting on lesbians because I'm against gays and their rights, well, I'd have to be against MY OWN RIGHTS then wouldn't I. So don't you dare report me you bible hugging homophobes. Go to hell all of you. If I could burnall you bitches and the rest of you too and all your bibles I would.

Isn't this the best Part of breaking up, finding some else you can't get enough of....Liz Phar needs to drop off. Seriously. She obviously doesn't get it. There is no best part..there's no good part...there"s only wonder. Why couldn't you do it? What if you don't want to find someone else you cant get enough of? What if there never is anyone else? How can someone ask you what you would do if you just kept loving someone and they never came back...what if you never can pick up those pieces...because half of the pieces are gone? How can you ask someone what they would do? What the fuck would you do? Would you be able to just walk away...walk right the fuck out of there and never look back and go find something new? If you're answer to this question is yes, or you would try...don't even bother talking to me, because we will never be able to see eye to eye on love. You just can;t possible wrap your head around the way I feel ever. Because there are very few people on this giant size planet that understand what I feel like truly, no B.S. You could never understand. you just can't. and That"s okay. I don't need you to. Because I get it and I don't need to see some stupid fucking therapist to make me understand how I feel or what to do with my life. You need me to do that because YOU don't understand...So why dont YOU go to teh fucking therapist and leave me alone for once in my life. I'm done wanting to die...I'm just not sure how to live yet....but I don't need someone to tell me how to either. So just leave me alone and let me figure me out. It may take some time, but I don't remember anyone telling you you had a time limit to figure you out. Sometimes I just need the time. And I don't need the help. and sometimes I need the help, but unlike you i'm not afraid to ask. So how dare you force me to do this. You don't even know me anymore. I'm not even sure if you ever did.