Farm Girl

Fluffy and squishy =)

Damage from the snow to the back of the barn.

More damages:

Grammy and buddy:

In back ally's of the barn; the cave in:

It's romantic...photographs.

I think people who really love each other and want to be with each other take pictures together. To document the time they spend together so that someday when they're old and gray they will be able to look back and remember not just in their minds but at solid proof that the other person was there every step of the way.

Today was my parent's 22nd wedding anniversary. They took a picture next to the snow they shoveled out of their driveway that was too high for even the snowblower to shoot the snow above. A picture next to something they worked hard on together.They're so completely corny and dorky. My dad took off his glasses and wrapped his arms around my mom, and right as she's turning to kiss him the picture snaps and neither face is visible.

I'm going to have that someday.

If love were enough

I know this is so illogical and completely out of the blue for me but I hate these mind games I play with myself, and I hate wondering and I just fucking hate not knowing for sure. I don't even know if you still read this anymore and part of me hopes like hell you do, but another part of me is still incredibly wounded and prays you never read this pathetic throwback in my life...but if by chance you do read this and I'm not going crazy and you are speaking to me through your fucking page...please just once say my name so I know it's not someone else you're talking to. And if it isn't please god save me from this humiliation that I'm about to put myself through for absolutely no reason other than I must have seriously lost my mind...and if it's not please don't contact me again because this needs to stop. I need to completely let go of everything; on even the smallest hope. Because right now I'm almost there but if I'm wrong in doing that...wrong in completely letting go them I need you to say something because I can't wait for you any longer.

It's really such a simple question

Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don't have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you've found someone and I'm a used- to- be.
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
If you've moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?
Can't you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I'm content? That I'm on the fence? That I wish you would've stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you're feelin' lonely.
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it's like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

white pages blank

You make my heart hurt in ways I wish you didn't.

And at the end of the day

I always want the safe kind of love these days. Safe because it means I don;t have to put myself out there. Safe because i dont have to feel. Safe because it means I can;t get hurt. I'm back to the old me who's got everybody on a two week timer and even though I should be better at this and I should just fucking grow up and stop knocking people out of the ring before they can get anywhere near my heart; I can't stop searching for this love. This love that blows me out of the water. this love that hits me like a ton of bricks. Thus love that makes no sense and fucking makes me think I'm having a heart attack when I realize I'm in love with the person. I need patience because it doesn't just fall into your lap right? You need to swim the damn moat before you can get to the castle right? Ughhh I hate love.

How long would you wait?

Just a testimony to all of the people out there waiting for the person they're in love with to figure out that they love them back. Maybe you think that they will come back to you because that's what you've always seen in the movies. Or possibly it's because Someone told you once that if they're THE ONE they'll find their way back to you. But my question is: Why wait? Why not at least live and love in the mean time? I mean if you truly believe that love conquers all and that your love is that once in a lifetime kind of love then why sit around and be miserable till it finds you again?

I feel like we as people, as humans, as the Human Race seem to think that the more miserable you are without them the more they will come back to you. Like the fates or whatever you believe in will see how miserable you are and send the love of your life racing back into your waiting arms....but if you don't ever get strong how are you ever going to catch this ONE? How are you ever even going to realize that they truly ARE the ONE if you have never experienced any other kind of love? I'm not saying that other love's are going to be perfect and I know from personal experience that you're being a complete skeptic right now, but no one can compare to the first person you ever loved...but other people can love you, and you can love other people, and you can FALL IN LOVE with other people.

So sometimes it's alright to just walk away; give it a rest, and digest your life. Sometimes you just wake up one day and the pain you feel is gone, but for most people it's hard to let go of a first love, or even just SOMEBODY you loved. That ache...it may never go away. But it doesn't mean you can never fall in love again. Sometimes what it comes down to is you have to let go of the Wrong one before you can even Open your eyes to the Right one. Because whoever told you LOVE was supposed to hurt like this LIED to you.

So naturally this begs the question: How long would you wait before finally giving up hope that they might ever come back to you?

Maybe you're willing to wait forever.

But most of you should just refer back to the very first picture.

With you it's just easier to breathe

Good thing life doesn't come with a scalpel because if it did, when things started to hurt, we would just cut and cut and cut. The thing is what we take away with a scalpel we can't ever get back. So, like a said, good thing.

Happy New Years....Extra on the Happy

Tides sweep you away and I'm not sad to see you go. I didn't enjoy your tidings but I know I'll enjoy this one.