places of culture: 2012

Thursday, October 11, 2012

This is me

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. What I mean to say is, is that in relationships, either I'm totally all in, not really going to back out unless I'm forced out, or I'm the girl who can walk away at any moment without a second thought. And for a long time in this thing...I was the latter, but I'm not anymore. I know you love me and I love you so much too...but if you're going to try and pull the same mask over my head, you've got another think coming.

I am no longer the girl that is afraid to go all in because I might get hurt. I already got hurt once and I thought I would never be able to do it again...but If you left, it would be...Horrible, but I think eventually I could get over it just like I did before. So, I'm not afraid of jumping all the way in anymore because the fear of rejection just isn't the same as the first time. I haven't made you my whole life; I've been really careful not to do that because that was my worst mistake last time. I let Jude become my entire life and that wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to myself. But like I said, I haven't made you my whole life. I have on the other hand made you a huge part of my life, a part that if gone would not be filled again in the same way.

What I need...is for you to allow me to be that part in yours as well. I know you've been hurt before and I know that every girl since has told you that she would never do that to you and then broken that. But I won;t make that promise. I don't make those kind of promises that could be broken, because broken promises aren't always in our control. But if you want to be this big a part of my life...I need for you to offer me that same part in your heart. I want you to consider me when you make decisions. I don't always need to be a deciding factor, because holding you back in anyway is never going to be my goal. In fact I wish to push you towards your goals rather than drag you from them. I just want to be considered, to be let in the loop, and not feel like I am an afterthought; because that is exactly what I feel like right now, an afterthought.

I love you so very much and for you to think that I would ever intentionally be un-supportive of your wants, aspirations, goals, whatever hurts me so deeply. I want to be your team mate and your cheerleader. (sorry for the sporty references, I know you don't like sports) but fine, I want to be the Cl- to your Na+. Not to say I want to be negative to your positive....I just want to be there...ya know?

Always love,

Linds

Monday, September 3, 2012

I honestly never do.

I'm not really all here. I haven't really been all here since he came and went. But you don't see it. Or at least if you do see it, if you do see that I haven't been all here....well, you haven't said anything about it. I haven't really been all here. And I haven't really been elsewhere either. I'm trapped; trapped in this limbo of sorts between the reality that's in front of my eyes, the reality you are planning for us, for a future you believe we will have together and I'm somewhere else. Somewhere...where people get hurt.

I'm seeing lots of hurt, because of all the wrong kind of love. Or maybe it's the right kind of love. How can I at 23 be expected to seriously be thinking about producing another human life....about sharing the human life I already have with someone or multiple persons. I don't know who you think I am....but what if I'm not her. What if I can never be her? What if I am someone else's her. Not your her, but my own her. His her.

I don't want to talk to your friends or my friends or our friends about my body. About my reproduction plans. I don;t want to talk about or plan a future with you, not a wedding, not children...I'm not even sure of tomorrow.

I know I'm good at this. I have always been good at this; finding someone every other girl dreams of, and not wanting those dreams for myself. Finding ways to mangle those dreams and crush them till to me, their realistic. I'm not a dreamer who wants the reality. I just want the dream. The reality is a different want; a selfish want.

I'm not ready to spend forever....I'm not ready to discuss forever. I just want to get through tomorrow. Not your tomorrow. My tomorrow. I know I'm a selfish person. I know that. I also know I am incredibly giving and caring person.

But loving...yea I can love you.
Just don't plan on forever.

I honestly never do.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

It's Easter

It's been a long time; Though it always seems like it has. This is my secret place. My place of worship, sadness and joy. It holds my brightest moments and it holds my very darkest. I'm not sure I'll ever let anyone read this on purpose. Sometimes the past is better left there, locked away and left for my mind to wander to on nights like this.

Easter morning, biblical speaking, is supposed to be the day of resurrection. The day a stone heavy with hatred and sadness and hurt is moved aside and the light sines into the darkest parts of our souls to show us the ability to grow and forgive. I get it; human's need to make stories for all the things we can;t seem to understand or those things which we want to pass from generation to generation about morals and values.

So here's one for everyone: Look upon someone of whom you've already seen before, and look upon their soul in a new light. It's so easy to forget the demons we all face, but don't show on our exoskeletons. So today, forget your religion, race, ethnicity, gender, sex, culture, sexual orientation or preference; just LOVE. Because someone once told me that love can conquer anything, and although I don't believe it can do that, I believe it has a lot more power than we let ourselves believe. It has a lot of healing powers, and a lot of forgiving powers.

Be kind, rewind, and then move forward. You'll find things might have changed over time.

They do in this city every minute.

Love and Peace.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

With Lips Like Water and a Face Like Rain

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don;t want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Summer

I know it's months away, but the I have missed the Vinyard in the summers. It used to be one of my summer homes. This summer, I am looking forward to spending a week with the entire family (extended included) on the Vinyard catching rays of sun and watching the sun rise and fall over the ocean. I have missed the carousel, the ice-cream and the casual island feel that only true summer blood can give that sort of wafting breeze. This is the family beach house on the Vinyard. It will be nice to return to sea air and musty books on a quiet tourist free beach. The bike rides are by far the best part. Th ability to explore an island without the necessity of a car...I truly believe I was mean to live in such a place as this.