not everyone falls in love with you right away, I took my time

I'm home. Officially. Not for good, but for a little while at least. I started classes on Thursday and I got to dissect a rat in my very first Anatomy and Physiology Lab. It was amazing...I don't really know how to explain it, but for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I'm making progress towards who I want to be in this life. It's a hard class, I won't lie about that and I already feel over my head in all of the stuff I have to learn by next class, but I have never been more in love or felt more alive with learning than I do when I'm in my A&P class and lab.

Besides that things are different at home. I feel like I have room mates instead of parents sometimes and other times I still feel like I'm all alone I'm all alone. I've made a few friends at school so far, but 2 out of 3 are married moms with families to get back to. I miss having people my own age around and an atmosphere that doesn't end when I go home. I miss being able to walk down a hall or up a floor to see people. Now I have to drive an hour or more just to see anyone other than cam (who has a girlfriend) or will (who works all the time). I thought moving home was going to make me feel more like a kid, but it's the opposite. I feel like I'm out on the real world already and I'm drowning a little. I miss my friends. And I'm just really lonely in general.

Which is the thing I hate the most because all I do is think about you when I'm by myself and it's not something I like to make a habit out of if I can help it. I don't have a claim to you anymore other than your one of my best friends and I miss you all the time. I miss your warmth and the way you make me feel better in just about any scenario. I know you're really busy but I always wonder if you ever think about me all day too. Because some days I literally can't get you out of my head ALL day. It's like you take up permanent residence in my memory and you just like to hit replay each time I start to think about anything else. I don't really know if I miss you because I'm lonely, or because I can't just go see you whenever I want to anymore, or maybe just because I want someone to love me and I need to feel loved again. But none the less please get out of my head, because you're making it much harder to be away than it was going to be in the first place. I really just miss you.

"So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us world's apart

And I miss you

Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

I'm standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here"

Where do you call home?

I had my first day at Tunxis Community College today. It was amazing. I made about3 new friends, loved my Bio Lecture and Lab. My Lab professor is witty in a dry humor sort of way that I really enjoyed. And my Anatomy and Physiology Lab was AMAZING. My professor looks like Dr. Hahn from Grey's Anatomy and Act's like Arizona to boot. =) I also Dissected a Rat in my very first lab. It was wonderful..So why an I in my room with tears streaming down my face?

I miss Salem. I miss my friends there. I miss the Campus life. I didn't expect to miss it this much, but the sad fact is I miss the things that I finally JUST GOT. I finally started to feel like I had a home away from home. I just got a bunch of guy friends. I finally started to find a group of people that I actually fit in and who would miss me when I was gone.

That's the worst part about being back here. Is I have to start all over with everything new again...and it's harder because I only see these people in class. I don't get to see them in the Cafe or walking around campus or around town or in the dorms. Class. That's it.

I miss my boys from Salem. I miss my friends who are all RA's. I miss Jude in his homey stale apartment. I miss what used to be home as much as I hated it. This isn't home anymore. Maybe I feel like this because my room is a hurricane disaster right now, or because Whitney is leaving to live in the dorms soon, or because my best friends are all in every state other than the one I'm in but I miss Salem, I miss my family there. I don't miss working for Reslife, or dealing with the stupid shit, but I miss the place I called home for two years, that I feel like I can no longer call home anymore. And HOME isn't home anymore.

I know where I'm going academically, but where am I going to call home in the mean time? Where will I call home when I'm done?

It's okay to grow up

"because it was true. and it couldn't be helped anyway..."

The Last Summer (of You and Me)

There's always one person who you love who always becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of their lovable qualities are self- destructive and unreasonable.the person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're more often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Kelly Ann Urban