places of culture

Monday, September 3, 2012

I honestly never do.

I'm not really all here. I haven't really been all here since he came and went. But you don't see it. Or at least if you do see it, if you do see that I haven't been all here....well, you haven't said anything about it. I haven't really been all here. And I haven't really been elsewhere either. I'm trapped; trapped in this limbo of sorts between the reality that's in front of my eyes, the reality you are planning for us, for a future you believe we will have together and I'm somewhere else. Somewhere...where people get hurt.

I'm seeing lots of hurt, because of all the wrong kind of love. Or maybe it's the right kind of love. How can I at 23 be expected to seriously be thinking about producing another human life....about sharing the human life I already have with someone or multiple persons. I don't know who you think I am....but what if I'm not her. What if I can never be her? What if I am someone else's her. Not your her, but my own her. His her.

I don't want to talk to your friends or my friends or our friends about my body. About my reproduction plans. I don;t want to talk about or plan a future with you, not a wedding, not children...I'm not even sure of tomorrow.

I know I'm good at this. I have always been good at this; finding someone every other girl dreams of, and not wanting those dreams for myself. Finding ways to mangle those dreams and crush them till to me, their realistic. I'm not a dreamer who wants the reality. I just want the dream. The reality is a different want; a selfish want.

I'm not ready to spend forever....I'm not ready to discuss forever. I just want to get through tomorrow. Not your tomorrow. My tomorrow. I know I'm a selfish person. I know that. I also know I am incredibly giving and caring person.

But loving...yea I can love you.
Just don't plan on forever.

I honestly never do.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

It's Easter

It's been a long time; Though it always seems like it has. This is my secret place. My place of worship, sadness and joy. It holds my brightest moments and it holds my very darkest. I'm not sure I'll ever let anyone read this on purpose. Sometimes the past is better left there, locked away and left for my mind to wander to on nights like this.

Easter morning, biblical speaking, is supposed to be the day of resurrection. The day a stone heavy with hatred and sadness and hurt is moved aside and the light sines into the darkest parts of our souls to show us the ability to grow and forgive. I get it; human's need to make stories for all the things we can;t seem to understand or those things which we want to pass from generation to generation about morals and values.

So here's one for everyone: Look upon someone of whom you've already seen before, and look upon their soul in a new light. It's so easy to forget the demons we all face, but don't show on our exoskeletons. So today, forget your religion, race, ethnicity, gender, sex, culture, sexual orientation or preference; just LOVE. Because someone once told me that love can conquer anything, and although I don't believe it can do that, I believe it has a lot more power than we let ourselves believe. It has a lot of healing powers, and a lot of forgiving powers.

Be kind, rewind, and then move forward. You'll find things might have changed over time.

They do in this city every minute.