Endlessly

She is my rock and my rolling thunder
I've been the spell she was under
I, I love that girl

She is my cigarettes and champagne
She's got me strung but I'm not running
I, I love that girl
I, I love that girl

She is the days I can't get over
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait

Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait

She is the flame and the fire she's raging
I've been the spark and the war she's waging
I, I love that girl

She came along and she spoke so sweetly
Changed everything, took my heart completely
I, I love that girl
I, I love that girl

She is the days I can't get over
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait

Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait

And the city buzz and empty cars
It's 3 a.m. I wonder where you are
And the crooked smiles and worn out miles between us
Now I wonder where you are

She is the days I can't get over
She is the nights that I call home endlessly
For you I'll always wait

Caught in the waves of hesitation
Lost in the sea of my own doubt endlessly
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait
For you I'll always wait

endlessly free

This is me

I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. What I mean to say is, is that in relationships, either I'm totally all in, not really going to back out unless I'm forced out, or I'm the girl who can walk away at any moment without a second thought. And for a long time in this thing...I was the latter, but I'm not anymore. I know you love me and I love you so much too...but if you're going to try and pull the same mask over my head, you've got another think coming.

I am no longer the girl that is afraid to go all in because I might get hurt. I already got hurt once and I thought I would never be able to do it again...but If you left, it would be...Horrible, but I think eventually I could get over it just like I did before. So, I'm not afraid of jumping all the way in anymore because the fear of rejection just isn't the same as the first time. I haven't made you my whole life; I've been really careful not to do that because that was my worst mistake last time. I let Jude become my entire life and that wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to myself. But like I said, I haven't made you my whole life. I have on the other hand made you a huge part of my life, a part that if gone would not be filled again in the same way.

What I need...is for you to allow me to be that part in yours as well. I know you've been hurt before and I know that every girl since has told you that she would never do that to you and then broken that. But I won;t make that promise. I don't make those kind of promises that could be broken, because broken promises aren't always in our control. But if you want to be this big a part of my life...I need for you to offer me that same part in your heart. I want you to consider me when you make decisions. I don't always need to be a deciding factor, because holding you back in anyway is never going to be my goal. In fact I wish to push you towards your goals rather than drag you from them. I just want to be considered, to be let in the loop, and not feel like I am an afterthought; because that is exactly what I feel like right now, an afterthought.

I love you so very much and for you to think that I would ever intentionally be un-supportive of your wants, aspirations, goals, whatever hurts me so deeply. I want to be your team mate and your cheerleader. (sorry for the sporty references, I know you don't like sports) but fine, I want to be the Cl- to your Na+. Not to say I want to be negative to your positive....I just want to be there...ya know?

Always love,

Linds

I honestly never do.

I'm not really all here. I haven't really been all here since he came and went. But you don't see it. Or at least if you do see it, if you do see that I haven't been all here....well, you haven't said anything about it. I haven't really been all here. And I haven't really been elsewhere either. I'm trapped; trapped in this limbo of sorts between the reality that's in front of my eyes, the reality you are planning for us, for a future you believe we will have together and I'm somewhere else. Somewhere...where people get hurt.

I'm seeing lots of hurt, because of all the wrong kind of love. Or maybe it's the right kind of love. How can I at 23 be expected to seriously be thinking about producing another human life....about sharing the human life I already have with someone or multiple persons. I don't know who you think I am....but what if I'm not her. What if I can never be her? What if I am someone else's her. Not your her, but my own her. His her.

I don't want to talk to your friends or my friends or our friends about my body. About my reproduction plans. I don;t want to talk about or plan a future with you, not a wedding, not children...I'm not even sure of tomorrow.

I know I'm good at this. I have always been good at this; finding someone every other girl dreams of, and not  wanting those dreams for myself. Finding ways to mangle those dreams and crush them till to me, their realistic. I'm not a dreamer who wants the reality. I just want the dream. The reality is a different want; a selfish want.

I'm not ready to spend forever....I'm not ready to discuss forever. I just want to get through tomorrow. Not your tomorrow. My tomorrow. I know I'm a selfish person. I know that. I also know I am incredibly giving and caring person.

                                 


                                  But loving...yea I can love you.
                                                         Just don't plan on forever.

I honestly never do.