"You're only 18 years old. You don't know what love is yet."
I was told that over and over that year. I remember is so clearly now, the way betrayal felt; As if someone deliberately reached out and smacked me across the face. I remember love in it's darkest hour... or so I thought at the time. It was grueling, almost as if it were a right of passage, yet something I would never wish upon anyone, let alone you. You who is so young and naive to the mistakes and misfortunes of love.
"you watch too many movies." Is what I'll say to you.
Not to scare you away from thinking "happily ever after" exists, it's just an eye opener into what it means. This achievement is just that, an ACHIEVEMENT. It's not something that is easily gotten. You have to work for it and with it. Almost coax it out of it's rough exterior shell, and seen once you've gotten it out, it doesn't mean that will stay out forever. It's a life long process of running to and fro, and that's what you sign up for in marriage. You sign up for the chasing while the other one runs. You sign up to be the one chased if you run. You sign up for good, bad , horrible and amazing moments that you will share with plenty of others, but it is you who signed up for the keeper of those memories. So marriage is the one thing besides a true and lasting friendship that you have to work hardest for in this life and the two things that are most important.
So you... you deserve this. You deserve someone who is ready to sign up for this no matter how long or how far it takes you. You deserve to have them willingly and enthusiastically sign up for it WITH YOU. You don;t deserve to be the only one signed on. The only one keeping the memories and the only one doing any of the work. I'm not sorry to say this because I've said it all along and I;ll say it again until you finally understand and then I'll hold you as you cry... but He doesn't deserve you. You're so young to be this sad about this.
I love you. Stay strong love child because you are the bringer of my joy.
It makes me sad to talk about it. I hate to talk about it, to remember everything because I forgot the good stuff. I forgot when it was good and I don't know if I could remember if it was good except for the music. The music...just as music has always done has a way of capturing my soul in that moment of first note and never releasing it. So music has always held my memories. American Pie... that's a song from my camp days where my best friend and I would dance together through all of the couples slow dancing in the theme decorated mess hall. Rainy Mondays..that's the first song I ever listened to when I first met Jeff and we talked about music. Your song- from the movie Moulin Rouge...that's was mike's way of telling me that he still cared about me even when times were bad...I would come home one day and find it left playing on a voice mail. Still- was the first time I truly fell in love and had a song with someone that was OUR song. Music holds pieces of my life...just as it would anyone's I suppose. It marks times throughout everyone's life when they feel the lyrics are calling to them. So music is my only true way that I can define my feelings...and they're not even my words. They're stolen....but I once read a quote that said, "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." I guess I'm not really very different...but for now I'm okay with that because I know already that when the times comes for my own words...that when the time did come for my won words...I was able to come up with them from my own head. So music take my soul and keep it because you're the only one I can always trust to remember it all. 
