You're my favorite little punching bag

Do I have punching bag written on my forehead or something? Is it a well known fact spread amongst people that I both know and do not know that I will put up with your crap for an obnoxiously long time, while you constantly put me down and make me feel like the worst person/friend in the entire world?

Well that part of me was probably one of my better qualities...yet it's been one of the most abused and therefore I want to rejecting that part of my personality. I think when you melted my frozen heart you did it so quickly that I was inspired to not only let you in and people who deserved it, but also the people who didn't. The people who have done nothing since but occasionally rise me up but more often than not try to stomp me down into the ground and even those who see that I am already on the ground and insist that they push me through the cold and heart earth we walk upon. No; I am finally limiting this part of my personality before I lose myself again to the harshness of winter ice.

This is not to say that I am not fighting to keep from becoming the ice queen with no emotional connection to anything or anyone again. I am simply harboring my most prized possession beyond the lock and key that are harder to reach than the possession itself. Those undeserving will quickly come across the lock but give up before coming anywhere close to the key. Yet I am blaming no one but myself, for thinking that the world was somehow different. That people were somewhat more deserving and less cruel than they had been years ago when my heart completely froze over for the first and only time. Since it was frozen there was no way to get hurt but there was no way to feel...when it defrosted I knew both of those would come back but I out weighed the good from the bad and I still do.

But you don't deserve what I have to offer. You abuse the advances I allowed you and you have pushed me down beyond my breaking point on several occasions. You abuse your own faults and assume that I will just take in this abuse of me and let you get away with treating me like a punching bag. What you have ignored is the fact that the punching bag no longer exists. The punching bag was beaten down and ripped apart this year and therefore it has disappeared...what you now were punching at was my pure and unprotected heart. And yet this heart is stronger than the last. This one took the pain instead of freezing over to block it out, and now you will pay for tying to break again my newly whole heart. Not through the means of revenge; but instead in the loss of someone who actually genuinely cared for you.

For I have learned over the year that it is not the weak heart who walks away because it is time to leave, but more that it is the weak heart who walks away in fear. I do not fear you or the hurt that you bring me. I have just simply endured it and put up with it longer than is necessary and now I have made the choice to leave. I have made the choice to walk away with a full heart and not a fearful one. You don't scare me, but you did and do hurt me and that is not acceptable on a regular basis in a best friendship. I have grown within myself, maybe you should try to do the same. I feel you would find much you disapprove of in others within yourself.

Lay me down in a bed of roses....send me away with the words of a love song

Is it weird to be afraid to go home? Because I love it there...but I can feel how much I have changed from my friends and how different we have become and I am oddly afraid of reverting back to a somewhat ignorantly blissful lifestyle which is something I would really like to avoid for the rest of my life. I grew up a lot at college. I changed into someone that I hated for a really long time, and then changed again to the person I am today. I'm sure I will still make changes about who I am and within myself but I don't want to go backward. Maybe you have to go backwards sometimes though just to keep in check how fast you're moving forward.

It's a strange feeling knowing you aren't who your past thinks you are anymore.

Sand travels quick, but the memories always stick

It makes me sad to talk about it. I hate to talk about it, to remember everything because I forgot the good stuff. I forgot when it was good and I don't know if I could remember if it was good except for the music. The music...just as music has always done has a way of capturing my soul in that moment of first note and never releasing it. So music has always held my memories. American Pie... that's a song from my camp days where my best friend and I would dance together through all of the couples slow dancing in the theme decorated mess hall. Rainy Mondays..that's the first song I ever listened to when I first met Jeff and we talked about music. Your song- from the movie Moulin Rouge...that's was mike's way of telling me that he still cared about me even when times were bad...I would come home one day and find it left playing on a voice mail. Still- was the first time I truly fell in love and had a song with someone that was OUR song. Music holds pieces of my life...just as it would anyone's I suppose. It marks times throughout everyone's life when they feel the lyrics are calling to them. So music is my only true way that I can define my feelings...and they're not even my words. They're stolen....but I once read a quote that said, "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." I guess I'm not really very different...but for now I'm okay with that because I know already that when the times comes for my own words...that when the time did come for my won words...I was able to come up with them from my own head. So music take my soul and keep it because you're the only one I can always trust to remember it all.