Where do you call home?

I had my first day at Tunxis Community College today. It was amazing. I made about3 new friends, loved my Bio Lecture and Lab. My Lab professor is witty in a dry humor sort of way that I really enjoyed. And my Anatomy and Physiology Lab was AMAZING. My professor looks like Dr. Hahn from Grey's Anatomy and Act's like Arizona to boot. =) I also Dissected a Rat in my very first lab. It was wonderful..So why an I in my room with tears streaming down my face?

I miss Salem. I miss my friends there. I miss the Campus life. I didn't expect to miss it this much, but the sad fact is I miss the things that I finally JUST GOT. I finally started to feel like I had a home away from home. I just got a bunch of guy friends. I finally started to find a group of people that I actually fit in and who would miss me when I was gone.

That's the worst part about being back here. Is I have to start all over with everything new again...and it's harder because I only see these people in class. I don't get to see them in the Cafe or walking around campus or around town or in the dorms. Class. That's it.

I miss my boys from Salem. I miss my friends who are all RA's. I miss Jude in his homey stale apartment. I miss what used to be home as much as I hated it. This isn't home anymore. Maybe I feel like this because my room is a hurricane disaster right now, or because Whitney is leaving to live in the dorms soon, or because my best friends are all in every state other than the one I'm in but I miss Salem, I miss my family there. I don't miss working for Reslife, or dealing with the stupid shit, but I miss the place I called home for two years, that I feel like I can no longer call home anymore. And HOME isn't home anymore.

I know where I'm going academically, but where am I going to call home in the mean time? Where will I call home when I'm done?

It's okay to grow up

"because it was true. and it couldn't be helped anyway..."

The Last Summer (of You and Me)

There's always one person who you love who always becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of their lovable qualities are self- destructive and unreasonable.the person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're more often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Kelly Ann Urban

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had just enough time

I'd really like to know something, and if you have an answer I'd really be willing to hear it. WHY does it seem to be that people...not everyone, but some people once you tell the that you have been in an abusive relationship in your past...what is it that makes them think that t is okay to verbally, emotionally, physically, or whatever kind, abuse you yet again?

Tell me: did you think I would be MORE willing to put up with it from you? Did you think that because I had done it before and I had pushed through and made myself only stronger that it was okay to test my boundaries now? Or did you think that maybe because you were a friend and not a lover that it was different?

Well let me tell you something: it's not. I will not put up with it from you and you may be one of my best friends but the way you regularly put me down, make me feel like a shitty person and friend and treat me is not going to last long. Growing stronger from being abused before means that my patience has run extremely short with people who feel as though they can push me around. You and NOT my mother, my lover, or me....so I owe you no explanations as to what I do all weekend. I also do not owe you a text as soon as I step onto campus...and if I do not answer your texts because I am sleeping or better yet if I DID NOT GET THEM you have no right to make me feel as though that it something that I should have done. It is a NICE thing for me to do to text you when I get to campus but I OWE you nothing.

I also do not NEED you nor have I ever NEEDED you. So please next time you want to get angry with me and say hurtful things at least say things that are true. Yes I enjoy your company and yes I enjoy having you around and being able to lean on you as a friend but I do not need you because of it. The way you have been acting lately shows me I do not need it more than ever...and half the time I don't want to be anywhere near you. You lean on me and I lean on you...that is called a friendship...but it does not mean that I need you, and it certainly doesn't mean that you can treat me the way you do. There are very few people that I need in my life and you are not one of them.

Look I know you said that this is who you are and I could take it or leave it because you weren't changing and that's fine because by the looks of it I'll be leaving it no problem. I know all about pushing people away so hard they never want to talk to you again. I know that words can sometimes cut deeper than any kind of weapon that you can get and they leave more lasting and harmful scaring. You want people to always pull when you push but I'm not like that. I have changed and there is now a limit of how much I can let you push till I'm gone. I stick around and through a lot more than most people and I have lot through a lot of you saying really hurtful things to me over the last 8 months...but you ARE going to change that or you ARE going to lose me. It's that simple. If my best friend was doing the same thing you are I would be telling her the same thing, but she's not. She knows better than to push my limits and to verbally abuse me the way you do.

So take you're time, because YOU are the one who said "FUCK YOU." last night, not me. You are the one who called me a baby yet again. but the difference is you are the weak one, because I never put you down last night even when that was all you were doing to me. I've grown and you, you've stayed the same. You will keep finding yourself losing friends if you keep this up..so many it is time to make a change. Just saying, you're walking a really thin line right now. How could you possibly think that this was okay?