I feel like college is that summer worse X100.


I think this may be quite possibly the first time in my life that I am ready to grow up. I have prolonged this process for as long as it can be prolonged and I will always keep my childish enthusiasm, but I have reached the point in my life where growing up is essential to becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm not terrified that I am growing up, but I am terrified that I am going to loose my best friend in the process. Things have noticably changed between the two of us. We are becoming more and more different the longer we are separate. This has never been an issue seeing as we are each others counterparts, and therefore completely different while still combining to form a whole. But, I am afraid that we are both making decisions that are going against everything that we ever thought would comprise of our futures and that in itself is the thing that truly scares me. I have never been one for the future. I hate teh unknown, but as of late I have started to embrace the common knowledge that I cannot control my life as much as I wish I could. But the fact is, I don't wish I could control my life, I only wish that I could control teh most important parts. But, in controlling those parts, I have come to realize that I will miss out on so much of life that I would never know existed if I control the most important aspects of my life. Yes Kel, relationships do stop if you do not feed them, but if I remember correctly, we did not properly feed ours for many years and all we had was camp. I have no fear that if we at some point stop feeding our relationships that we will someday be drawn back to the same place in which they were held together all those years. Yes, I love camp. But I do not love the camp that is now. I love the camp of my childhood. The camp that made me the good person that I am today. The camp that held me close to you and you to me. The camp that did not allow electronics or need pretty clothes. I love the camp that I almost went blind at because I got mud in my eyes during a mud fight. I love the camp that I lusted after so many boys at. I love the camp that we are known as no one other than KellyLindsay (one word) at. But camp os no longer anything but fond memories to me. It is not a place I wish to return to so that I can ruin my memories of it. I am happy with the memories that I have and I cannot wait to send my own children to it. (hopefully alongside yours) But I have to move forward, and so do you. Carving the tree there has been something that we have carried on and should continue to carry on because it is a symbol that we love and cherish and rejoice the memories that we had there, but we cannot live in the past forever. At some point we need to turn around and realize that we have not attended that camp in over 4 years. That you are about to go into your final year in college and that I am going to be training to be a nurse. That we have both found and lost love. That we are easily turning into the beautiful and strong and wise adults that we always knew that we would be. We will make mistakes along the way and we will do things that we never dreamed we would but fear not because I know in the end we will always have each other to lean on no matter what. I will always be here for you in some form or another just as you have always and will continue to always be here for me. We fluctuate and no one, and I literally mean no one will ever understand the means by which our friendship works but we know it does and we believe in it and that to me is all that matters. I love you kel. Now hold my hand and we will walk forward in life and love together. I miss you and I wish there was some way to be together this new years, because it'll be weird not having you there for the first time in like 8 years. alright. I'm gonna go to bed now but I love and miss you and I cannot wait for break so we can start growing together again.

Love you to the moon,

The dark, The moon, The sky, Jelly

"Those who dream by day are aware of many things that escape those who dream only by night."

Keep dreaming with me =)

Just you wait.
I'm gunna fly.
I'm gunna fly so high.
And up that high you'll never be able to reach me.
Not even if you try.

why do I ALWAYS have to be the strong one?
why cant you ever just be here for me? JUST ONE TIME KEL!!! why can't you ever just figure out that maybe I need you and you need to be here for me. You actually need to drop everything in your life for just a few fucking hours and just be here for me. ya know? Just the way I have ALWAYS been there for you. the way I have dropped everything to be with you and be there for you in your hardest moments. DO NOT tell me to just stick it out and I'll be home soon. I dont want to be anywhere near a hundred miles from you right now. I CANNOT BELIEVE that you can't even fucking drive up here. That in all those times I said I needed you that you could be here even ONE TIME! Christ Kel. Where were you when I tried to kill myself this summer? Where were you when I took so many pills I slept through a whole shift? Where were you all those night I had to cry myself to sleep while you were off having some great fucking summer with Jerry? and now, I know when Derek breaks your fucking heart I WILL be there to help pick up the fucking pieces and I WILL be there when you say you need me and you feel like dying and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. I will fucking be there for you. Even though you were never here for me.l

I have so many things I want to say to every last one of you stupid bunch of bitches..but I won't stoop to your immature, never going to grow the fuck up, need to shut the fuck up and stop thinking your so hot everyone wants to hit on you, can't ever let things go, worse than the richest brattiest tween, gay as the day is long, rumor spreading, lying between your stupid fucking teeth, can't talk like reasonable adults, acting like you are so much better than everyone else in the whole world, gossiping, slutty sleeping around,lying and bitching and cheating, self idolizing peevish little twirpy LESBIAN ways. So why don't you all go drive away listening to Tegan and fucking Clara in your stupid dyke mobiles followed by a friggin U-haul on to the next poor bitch who decides that you're even worth their time and get the fuck over yourself and grow the fuck up on the drive over. And you....all you stupid people who think I'm ratting on lesbians because I'm against gays and their rights, well, I'd have to be against MY OWN RIGHTS then wouldn't I. So don't you dare report me you bible hugging homophobes. Go to hell all of you. If I could burnall you bitches and the rest of you too and all your bibles I would.

Isn't this the best Part of breaking up, finding some else you can't get enough of....Liz Phar needs to drop off. Seriously. She obviously doesn't get it. There is no best part..there's no good part...there"s only wonder. Why couldn't you do it? What if you don't want to find someone else you cant get enough of? What if there never is anyone else? How can someone ask you what you would do if you just kept loving someone and they never came back...what if you never can pick up those pieces...because half of the pieces are gone? How can you ask someone what they would do? What the fuck would you do? Would you be able to just walk away...walk right the fuck out of there and never look back and go find something new? If you're answer to this question is yes, or you would try...don't even bother talking to me, because we will never be able to see eye to eye on love. You just can;t possible wrap your head around the way I feel ever. Because there are very few people on this giant size planet that understand what I feel like truly, no B.S. You could never understand. you just can't. and That"s okay. I don't need you to. Because I get it and I don't need to see some stupid fucking therapist to make me understand how I feel or what to do with my life. You need me to do that because YOU don't understand...So why dont YOU go to teh fucking therapist and leave me alone for once in my life. I'm done wanting to die...I'm just not sure how to live yet....but I don't need someone to tell me how to either. So just leave me alone and let me figure me out. It may take some time, but I don't remember anyone telling you you had a time limit to figure you out. Sometimes I just need the time. And I don't need the help. and sometimes I need the help, but unlike you i'm not afraid to ask. So how dare you force me to do this. You don't even know me anymore. I'm not even sure if you ever did.

Leaving after the holiday week(end) and I feel so much better. I needed this so bad. Time with my friends who I've had since elementary school. Time with my family. And time with my best friend. This sort of simplicity amazes me and makes me feel so warm it practically burns away the frigid ice forming over my heart up in MA. I love it here... even when I'm fighting with them and crying with them... this place will never be anything to me but home. A place where I and so many others are ALWAYS loved. I love it here so much... I'm really not ready to leave just yet. Even if it's only for 2.5 weeks. I almost Don't want to ever go back. But, I know in the end.. everything is going to be okay. Thank you for showing me a world of love and happiness an compassion while I grew up. Sometimes i forget now that it exists in the first place, but then I come home and I bring others home and you show me and them how warm people can be even in the coldest weather outside.

I have written about this before but it's also totally new. It's about places that hold memories. Places that hold feelings. Places that hold doubt and stress; hope and loss, death and life. These places are bound to me in inexplicable ways yet, I wonder is it possible to ever let those places go? Maybe not the ones that hold your own memories, but perhaps feelings that you associate with those places. I go by this place at least once a week, and at first it was a place of beauty. A place that held secrets from the world, and kept it deep within its shadowed stone, but now it is associated with something cruel and loveless. It is loss that I have come to associate this place with, betrayal and distrust. But lately as I pass this place all I feel is the emptiness it holds. All that I know of this place is dissolving away as the winter cold washes over all of the secrets and carries them back out into the world where they can be shared with someone more in need of them and where I no longer have to feel the emotions that it hides. This is why I wonder if places although holders of memories, have the ability to release the feelings associated them...because if they do, I wonder if stone can release all that it holds onto, If I can do the same.

She who was lost has not been found, but has indeed found a light at the end of the tunnel of dread. Receiving what she wished she needed was the final straw not to break her but to set her free. It is true that in searching for one's self, we look to everyone but the inside of our own hearts. No one can save you but yourself. She was no different. Finally...after all of the dark days and lost hours, she retrieved what had truely been lost. It was not the relationship in which she dreamed would brng about a change in her world, but it was the lost person hiding within her very own soul. Without it happiness would never truely have been possible; not that she had understood that until the dreams had slowly revieled what truely lie beneath. Dangerous was her trek, and many a time it was given up, but only a loved soul could have survived it. I guess I never realized how much I was lost before I was found, and found by no one but myself. But I also have never felt so loved even when I was blind to love and only looked upon hate and excuse. Interesting how things have a way of working themselves out right when you actually need them to.

Elle

So lost. Need air. Need to breathe. What's wrong. I'm scared. She's gone. Lying in Despair. Drowning slowly. Quickens fast. Sink lower. Deep within. Cant get out. Need to breath. So lost. Need someone. Anyone. Her. Back.

Is it true that we always want what we can't have? Is that even a fair statement? Does that provide the answers we've been searching hundreds of years for? It may not provide us with all the answers, but it definitely provides us with some. But for me it only increases my questions: If we always want what we can't have how can we ever truly be happy....never mind be happy with what we do indeed have. Will we always be looking for the next best thing? How could someone promise to love you forever if they are always going to search for the next best thing? What is happiness then? It's this thing that we strive for but does it exist? Damn right it does, because I knew it once. I knew what utter and total happiness was for a small part of my life and right now it's gone, but I'm sure as fuck going to get it back. I loved the way it felt and now I want to feel that way again, no matter what the cost.

Elle

So, were sitting together in your room. With our beds pushed together and you sitting on the floor in front of your computer while I sit at my desk typing this. I just took a shower and now we're listening to some music. The song that just came on is Alexi Murdoch- orange sky. This is a totally new song to me, yet I can still find a tie to you and me in it. I want to be whole again. I'm tired of feeling only half full because I need my other half. I had my other half for a while and then it was lost and stolen and then buried deep and far away in another world. I know it's trying to find it's way back to me, but sometimes, I wonder if it will just stop where it was stolen and stay. The future used to be my biggest fear, but that has now taken it's place. Just as I am scared that someday she will take my place and I won't even know it happened. I don't want to be lost forever, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to be. I'm terrified of the amount of me that you encompass. I am scared and thrilled by the love we could have, that we have had, and what I sometimes glimpse of what we do have. I want you to know that I do in fact never have a time when I don't want to kiss you. There are times I doubt the intention of your kisses, but never the less, there has yet to be a time in which I do not want to feel the warmth of your kiss and the heat that emits itself only to me in that moment. Don't worry love, that is my job and mine alone.

Love F&A,

ELLE

Please, just please tell me whats bothering you. Because I don't understand how it can be so good, and I leave for only a little bit and already we're back to fighting about something and i don't know where it went wrong. I don't remember doing anything wrong. I'm taking PT tomorrow so that you don't have to worry about Angie being in your car because you don't like her. I brought you home Chinese food that I offered because I love you. And I have done nothing but try and help you since I got back. So thanks a bunch AGAIN for treating me like shit, for basically telling me to leave your stuff alone and oh btw, thanks for dinner. Well then thank you too. I hate you right now. I hate having these arguments because you can't actually tell me what the fuck is up. So tell me to fuck off again., I really appreciate it. I love you too.

Elle

Till the world goes black

okay, here it goes. I watch one tree hill not only because I love the show, but because the music on it always seems to be able to relate to my life in some way. but for once, I thought one thing when looking up this song and all I ended up doing when I read the lyrics was cry. I just sat here and cried because all I could think of was you. This is probably crazy and it scared the shit out of me...you know my biggest fear is the future, but this well this song is my new anthem. This song is the song that gives me hope. It's the song that was my sign. The sign. The one that I have been waiting for to help me understand, to help me get through this, because I couldn't understand. What I keep forgetting about this all is that its not about me. Its about you. That's the whole point of this and this is why this song is really for you. I love you. Till the world goes black.

Elle


Jack Savoretti- Wonder
tell my stories to the ones i love
hide my fears from those who don't
i've been tryin' to change my ways for days
you keep sayin' that i won't
old songs on a late night
there's just too much on my mind
my love is a true love, but my hearts as cold as ice

you like what you see when you're looking at me
cause you think that i do what i i do for you.
don't you wonder why
the word that i breath is the word that i need
and the song that i sing don't mean anything
don't you wonder why it's always been this way

all our innocence is gone
if you like i'll take the blame for all the things that you have done
my songs on a cold night, i can't get you out my mind
your love is a true love, but you'll never on my side

you like what you see when you're looking at me
cause you think that i do what i do for you.
don't you wonder why
the word that i breath is the word that i need
and the songs that i sing don't mean anything
don't you wonder why? why


old songs on a late night, there's just too much on my mind
my love, is a young love but i know we'll get this right

It should have been common knowledge

for you to know that you don't talk about one of us without someone else finding out and letting one of us know. This should have already been common knowledge to you, but here;s the thing. I'm going to warn you now and then when it happens again, because you're a stupid freshman, so it will, I'm going to chew you out like you've never known in your life. You do not talk about any one of the four of us. We may not be obnoxious about our stature, but we know who we are, just like you know who we are. So whether you aknowledge it or not, you are still going to respect it like everyone else because if you don't, which you currently aren't, this is going to be a very rough start for you. Whether we want to or not, between the four of us, we know everything. We know all the gossip, all the news and all of the big shit that's going on. So you better damn believe that the second you open your mouth about one of us in either a negative or positive manner we're going to hear about it pretty much within the very next sentence. So do not think it will not get to us, because it will. You DO NOT talk smack about my friends without consequences. It doesn't work like that. You are just some dumb little girl who thinks its teh cool thing to get high and drunk and pop pills. Well, I've got a little news for you. It's not cool. It's pathetic and you should probably see someone about it if you think that it's a cool thing to potentially kill yourself every night. There was no way she was going to date someone like that. She's better than you. So don't you go around saying that she is crazy to think that you would cheat on your girlfriend for her because if she ever even gave the slightest thought towards you, um..which she didn't, there isn't even the slightest blink of hope for you now. Let this be your first and only warning: We're not people to mess with, so don't.

Happy fuck-ups =)

It is so strange the way different people can make you feel and breathe and love and see. It amazes me everyday the way my friends survive, the way they show love and the way that they show their strengths to the world. There is something that I hide from everyone but you. I don't know why you get to see it and others not. Maybe it's because it's so sacred to me and so beautiful. You see me. You see my flaws and my strengths. You get to see my soul like no one else ever will. i don't know how to tell you this because for once I don't fear the power you have. I know that no matter what you may think or be going through, somewhere there is a part of you that you let me see even when you hide it from the world. I see it, I see you. I love my friends and I love people, even massholes and all the evil people in the world, because everyone deserves someone to love them and for me, that's you. I don't really know why. I don't really know what I did to deserve it, but you're here and I'm never letting you go. You're not here all the way yet, but someday you'll let me see all of you too and I can wait for that day, because I waited long enough to find you in the first place. I can wait just a little more. you make me really happy to know you. Thank you for being my friend. I love you.

I cannot believe that you are still doing it.

I just want to know

What I really want to know...is how exactly you could sit there and take all those pictures where we are so happy and in love and think that it was still okay to come in and ruin it. How could you do that to someone who thought of you as a friend? Who still treats you like a friend even after all of the shit you have done. I just don't understand how you could see how happy we were and still just step in and fucking ruin it. I feel like there is something I am missing...because there is just no way that someone could actually fucking do that....I just....no...there is no way you could be that cruel...that fucked up...that evil.

I understand now. I understand now that we left. No, not only did we leave but we left you behind, after we broke you. So you had to pick up the pieces and but in picking up the broken pieces and learning how to put them back together you put them together wrong. The reason you put them together wrong was because your three best friends left you alone to put yourself back together instead of helping you glue those pieces back together for good. We all made a lot of mistakes last year. Things happened and shit most definitely hit the fan. But instead of trusting each other and ourselves as a whole, we fought each of our battles individually and lost each and every one. I understand now that you are put together wrong you never put your heart back in at all. You figured if it was never put back in, it could never trust again, therefore you would never have the fear of getting it broken again. I am so much more than sorry that you felt like we weren't there for you. Like you couldn't call to us. Because the truth is, is that we were all always there. Mad or not, had you called for us each of us would have been at your side within moments of your call. Laura, you are not the only person who fell apart and needs a proper putting back together. EACH and ALL of us has hit our breaking point and its DAMN GOOD that we have found each other again. It is extremely important that we learn to trust and love one another wholly for without each other we are nothing but wandering souls searching for something we are too stubborn and to scared to let happen. I love each and every one of you in so many different ways and forms and with different eyes that I can see no one else but the three of you and Kelly as my friends till the world fucking ends. It was no lie when I said I would be here for each of you until I died. I may not have physically been there at every time of need, and I can't promise I will be, but please do remember that you are still the people that I will kill and die for. That is something that will NEVER change, no matter what mistakes anyone of us makes. So I am sorry for the lost that you have endured, because loosing ones self is harder to loose and an ever harder thing to get back in this world than anything else. Lucky for you, you have three best friends ready and willing to help you at pretty much all costs as I believe each of us has individually proven 0ver time. So you may not trust us exactly 100% but there will come a time when we may all be full and whole and together again and we will be different people, but because I know us and I believe in us and who each of us is, I have no fear and no doubt as to what our futures hold. Because every single future I see has the four of us in it. Together. Friends. Happy. Forever.

Love,

Elle

I do blame you. I do hate you. I just thought you should know.

Elle

I am SO TIRED of waiting around for people to finally realize what is right in front of them. You all are fucking stupid. Just stop, dont think and fucking do it...please. I am telling you to fucking take her away. Just take her. She wants you too. So don't be fucking dumb ass and please just for once do what I'm actually asking. I can't take the waiting. No one friggin can, so just do what we all know is coming, get it over with and do the next natural thing that we ALSO all know is coming. JUST PLEASE. Take he the fuck outta my life. There's no place for her here anymore, and just GIVE ME MY FUCKING FRIEND BACK.

"No good deed goes unpunished." - if only you actually understood the significance of that quote.

Elle

I HATE when people tell you how you are feeling or should feel. It drives me up a wall. I'm sitting here with one of my better friends here at Salem State, and she's telling me that because I have an uncontrollable crush on a guy that is now a part of our staff that I'm acting like I am in 8th grade. Well, I'm sorry that I'm learning how to get over people instead of clinging to them for life and never finding happiness. It's ridiculous. I'm sorry I work differently from you. I NEED to get over her, and he DOES look like HEATH LEDGER. So, sorry to disappoint, but I DO like him, even though he smokes more than i would ever like and he has a few scars on his body, and he has "stupid" facial hair according to you. I'm sorry but you are just going to have to get over the fact that it's over and it's never going to happen again, and I'm finally getting back to the REAL ME.

So thank you very much.

LOVE LOVE LOVE,

your long time boy crazy pal,

Elle

I am so tired of people not following through and making stupid ass excuses for their reasons for being a shitty person. DO NOT say that people don't give you enough notice if every time they DO, you find a way NOT to make it anyway. I am so tired of being the person who TRIES to make everything work and having it NEVER work out. I am tired of my BEST FRIEND never coming to visit me even for the DAY because she doesn't like to drive in MA. I make the fucking effort to get there when I can, and I HATE paying the amount of money that I do, but I get there. I am so tired of playing these games with everyone. I wish people would just...just not get my hopes up just so they can crush them.

Love,

Elle

So, I can officially hold food down again. For about two minutes before it starts threatening to come back up. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Everything is normal one minute and the next its all fucking crazy and I'm wanting to die and the very next I'm numb again. Someone please explain to me HOW I get myself into shit like this? It's so stupid. I am tired of being the best friend who can't do anything right and when she does it doesn't even make her happy. Ugh, someone please just tell me you like me and you want to kiss me so that I don't have to listen to her talk about how much she wants to kiss her and all the other nasty TMI crap that the other tells me without actually having to picture the person I am so in love with getting it and LIKING IT from some other chick four years older than me. I always thought people liked 'em younger, but maybe that's just guys. MAYBE lesbians are totally different and they LIKE them OLDER. ugh...that would explain me. FML seriously. Fuck it. I'm done writing about how I suck as a person, when it's so CLEARLY everyone else. I need to get out of MASS.

Love,

Elle

I HOPE SOMEONE PUNCHES HIM and tells him that he is a piece of shit and that what he's doing isn't okay. I hope that someone can knock some sense into him and tell him that hes not only hurting me but his friend and they both suck. That is my opinion. I don't know how much longer I can stand not telling him that ruining a marriage is FUCKED UP whether its intentional or not.

LOVE

elle

Hey all.

Sooo I took a summer class this summer to make up for my bad grades in my History 102 class this past spring semester. The final was on Wednesday this past week and today I received an e-mail from my professor. Actually to tell the story right my professor dropped the first letter in my e-mail address and accidentally send the e-mail to my mom. My mom then forwarded it to me. I have been freaking out about this final grade for the last few days because I really want to be a nurse and I spent a lot of money on this class to get a better grade and well if your mother send you an email starting off with "Your professor accidentally e-mailed me. Call me asap" it kinda makes your heart jump up into your throat. BUT....I GOT AN A in the class!!!! This grade will thusly increase my cumulative GPA and hopefully allow me to be re-entered into the Nursing Program here at the wonderful Salem State College. This is most likely the best news I could have hoped for goig into my Sophomore year here...other than that other thing.

Now, new roomies!!! For the fall this year I will be living in the Central res. Hall where I will share an apartment styled living quarter with 5 of my closest friends. As you should know, or maybe not, because I'm not sure if I've told you, but Laura one of my closest friends from last year will not be coming back due to some personal complications. I honestly will miss her so much, although she was a lot of drama and problems, I will never forget what she has done for me and hopefully will continue to do for me in the future. I know she is a friend for life...just not sure when in my life yet. But my other fabulous five friends and I have set apartment rules and are gathering our materials to have one of the most fabulous apartments in all of SSC. I am truely excited for the school year to get started. For all of those who don't know...Ash and I will be rooming together again. I don't know how it will go, but I hope well. She is after all my best friend on campus, and we have some realy cool ideas for our room so I'm still hopeful. Maybe that's naive or whatever, but like my other friend, who will remain nameless said "What other way could it be? No other way makes sense." SO we will just have to SEE!!!!

Family: Shawn and meryl are officially off to JAPAN this winter break where Meryl will write cool haiku"s about their style of tattooing while Shawn does some hands on testing. It is very exciting. Smace comes back in september from hersummer bike trip across the United States. If you want to check out what's she's doing www.jointhecycle.com. I plan to attend their finale celebration party in Boston, MA in late september. Whitney is starting off her SENIOR year at Newington High which is probably good because she seems to really hate it there..though having gone through it myself, I really can't balme her. I can't wait to see where she'll be attending college in the fall. She of course has the best grades and the most options than any of the rest of her sisters. We all sort of suck at school, while she shines like those annoying headlights of teh person behind you on the highway. =) DAD is currently in FL biking an average of 20 miles or so a day, while MOM is home visiting with Meryl and Shawn while they are home for a short visit. They went and picked blueberries yesterday...YUMMM. Both of my parents will be entering their second to last year before they can retire somewhere like oh...their FL beach house and enjoy bathing in the sun down there in the winters and then head up north for the cooler, less predictable summer months. It all sounds like it's going to be okay.

I am obviously in a much better mood now than my last blog, but I really feel like it's pointless to sit around crying and whining about it. It happened, now it's time for me to get on with my life. What she still doesn't seem to understand is that I'm never going to really leave her. I might date someone else or be happy, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her everyday and taht i wouldn't do ANYTHING to be back to where we were. But I also understand the need for some space to fgure out what she wants to and who she is. Well, we'll see won't be. If it's mean to be, it"ll happen. Meryl knows that better than anyone.

Well, I'm off to work for the night. I hope all of you are doing well and I'll keep you updated,

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Elle <3

Hey there fellow bloggers. I told you it would be sooner than six months before I hopped back onto this page. Unfortunately I still am not doing quite so great with keeping up on this thing as well as i would have liked. Well I suppose I ought to let you know what's going on and all that. The summer is soon going to be over for me as well as some others. i took a class this summer (history 102) again so taht I could bring up my GPA in hopes of getting back into the Salem State nursing program. I discovered through out the past year that although I do have much respect for teachers I am not the type of person that would be able to make a career out of it. I much prefer the blood and guts as well as helping to save lives bit. This discovery was concieved after taking an Education class that required me to observe a high school classroom for 15 hours as well as talking to a new friend Laurie Groth. Laurie Groth is Engaged to another new friend of mine Rachel Michaels. I am glad to say that they are scheduled to be married next August. Unfortunately they will be leaving for tyear to move down to NY so thatRachel and Laurie can tighten the bonds of love with Laurie's family on Long Island.

This summer has also been good and bad for Ash and I. We spend a lot of time together because we work in very close distance of eachotherand that has been a wonderful privelege not to grow apart from eachother on distance, but part of me fears that although we are so close, we have started to grow apart as well. We both have relationship struggles in which mine is usually some time in teh first two weeks of teh relationship and hers is right around the one year mark (right now for us). I having never been in a serious relationship before this am slightly childish in my ways of thinging where i had always hoped that the person in which I would choose to spend a real relationships period in would ultimately be the one person that I would spend the rest of my life with. But now, I am afraid that may not be the case. I am glad that I am older now and I understand that that is nearly an impossible situation for the average person, but it is still hard to watch your second eldest sister get married to the guy she fell in love with in high school while you struggle to find someone you are compatable enough with to even want to date for more than two weeks. As silly as it sounds, I want that person to be Ash. I'm not saying that things are going to be perfect or even easy all the time. I know that we both have huge issues to overcome, but I am putting myself on the line for the first time in my life to tell her that I will love her until my blood runs cold. I have never felt so much love for someone in my whole life and I don't care how lost or depressed or scared she is, because I will always be here to help her through the fire and ice that may or may not await. I know I can't understand her despression like someone else who has gone through it can, but I am willing to try my very hardest just to even have the slightest idea as to what she's going through. I have never trusted someone as much as I trust her with my heart. I know this probably sounds silly and childish but for those of you who have ever been so in love with someone that you would go to the ends of the earth, fight whoever and whatever and pour your heart and sould out to even see this person never mind have the pleasure of being with them, you must know how this feels. I know I am in love this time, because even the thought of taking a break where I might have to sit on the sidelines while someone else cares for her makes my heart slightly break each time. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I really do. i'm finally not afraid to say it and mean it. But I'm scared that I may be too late. That she may already be too broken and gone for me to have anymore, for her to want me anymore. And I cried so hard last night and the night before at the thought of loosing her that I completely collapsed to the cement ground from exaustion after. I just want her to be okay...and I know that she may never recover completely, but I'm not asking for perfect...I'm just looking for the girl I fell in love with...and she's sitting right in front of me.

Well, now that I got those emotions out of the way this summer so far has sucked. I am tired of living with a bunch of people who constantly shit on one another and seem to hate eachother so much. I am tired of not having any of my friends around to talk to and to hang out with. I am tired of bring so far away from home and my family and my friends back in CT. I never thought I would ever say this in a million years, but I miss Newington CT. I miss home and the ability to just go whereever I want when I want and to do whatever I please. This summer job has been like a noose around my neck for a very long time. AND I AM TIRED OF IT. I thought I was going to be living on my own with no real rules and such but the fact is is that because this job is pretty much a 24 hour job it's nearly impossible to ever get a significant amount of time where I do not need to be on campus or within a mile or two from it, which if you have any idea of what working for the fuck tards in reslife is like you must hate your life as well. Its awful to feel like your under constant observation. Its just friggin awful. And therefore i never want to work this job again. I know that this isn't technically a 100% for sure possibility. But i do know if it's possible next summer to live my life and get a job that I don't have to GO HOME to as well, then I'd much rather take that than this.


Now, friends. I recently became friends with Rachel and Laurie. They are a lesbian couple due for a wedding come August 2010. They are a wonderful couple to hang out with and to have Buffy marathons with. I personally haven't watched Buffy in years so it was nice to finally get back into it and have people to talk to about it who think it's just as dorky as you do but who also love it as much as you do. They are also a really fun couple to double date with. They always have fuin things to do as well as they are just a fun couple of people to sit around with and shoot the shit. I really enjoy their friendship as well as enjoy them as human beings. Laurie is also really great to talk to because she's already a nurse and it's nice to have someone to have a talk to about my future who's already there but isn't so tired of it that they only tell you the bad things about it. I also enjoy Rachel's company though becuase she always has some interesting to talk about and she honestly reminds me of people from home and especially Meryl and Shawn. ( who im going to see this weekend!!!!!) But we recently had a little bit of a falling out and they're moving away to Long Island for the year before their wedding and I don't think I'll be able to see them before they go Hopefully though if things come back together we can all be friends and hve a buffy get together sometime in the near future at their new apartment in NY!!!!! It's very exciting to finally have friends from another state other than vermont (maggie) and CT (all my home friends). I will miss them very much.

Well, that seems like the best I can do right now and like I seem to say a lot, I will try to keep up better with this blogging business. toodles

Elle

Sis Months Later...

Well, it seems that I'm making a habit out of updating my blog every six months or so, oh my.... Hmm, well I think I should start off by saying that I succeeded in finishing my first year of college at Salem State in Salem, MA. It was a fabulous year well spent in studies, adventures and not the least bit of drama. HAHAHA, that's a lie. Drama here is what everyone seems to love. I suppose it's a Mass thing, but who knows, maybe it's just a Freshman year thing....goddess i hope so. But I made some pretty amazing friends aginst all odds and amazingly I am still with Ashley. I'd say thats about 8 months for us now, but please hold the applause. =) I am now working the summer at the college in an SCA (summer confrence assistant) position, and it is wonderful but seriously exhausing. I miss my family and friends from home...my my I never thought I'd see the day...but things change and I changed alot over the year. It was a whole new world but I feel like I learned that its not all taht different....just different people with the same dramas. So I met some really great gals through the Alliance at school and some though means of them, and although i can say for sure whether they like me just yet, I am not so worried about it. I have found this year taht i can be extremely charming and extremely stubborn when I want to be, and this is of course a blessing and a curse. For all of those of you who understand this curse...I'm sorry. But On a brighter note or whichever you decide, I joined the Dreaded Facebook, and found that it is not quite as bad as some say and I for sure thought. It truely is a good way to keep in touch with old friends, and stick your beak into everyone elses business. I find to be rather helpful lately though. It allows me to talk more easily with my family as well, which my two older sisters have been all over me for not doing this year. Well here I am, happy and alive and ready to chat with all seeking a good conversation. Hope all is well and hopefully I wont be talking to you in six months, but sooner in fact.