Dreams

I just woke up from the most visually amazing dream of my life.

You were in it.

And It started here:

This is my house and you came to tell me that you were in the area and that you had heard somewhere my name and asked if the person who spoke it knew where I lived. (In my dream, the world I lived in is one where you can tell a perfect stranger where someone lives without fear of death or dangerous things happening to the person to whom you are sending the stranger).

Then when you came in we walked straight through the home I lived and out to a view that looked like this:

And then at the bottom of the stair case you said you had a surprise for me and they were these:

They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. So vibrant and colorful and so visually breathtaking. So we got in and you knew how to steer the balloon...and you took me to the most beautiful field where you insisted you take me to a place you loved to walk so I agreed and it looked like this:

And it was there that you told me it was never over and it had never been. And I cried and you cried and we sort of collapsed into one another's arms and it was okay. Because In my dream it was okay to still be in love with you.

I don't remember how we got back into my house though, but it was raining and teh last image I remember seeing is this:

Why did you come looking for me? Why did you still love me so much in my dream? Why was it okay for me to love you still only there? Love...funny how dreams are never how reality turns out.

The lies we tell ourselves...because everyone wants to be the one exception

"The ties that binds us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken. Some bonds defy distance and time and logic; Because some ties are simply… meant to be."

- Meredith Grey

You're not the fun kind of Crazy

I used to think it was always me.

But last night... was finally proof that it was never me and it has ALWAYS been you. Don't talk to me ever again. I'm going to the police about you in the morning. When they lock you away...I'm going to pray you rot away in there.

Ruin

we haven't talked in some time and it's given me the time I've needed to think. Remember when you said we should we should live with each other, and I should let you fix yourself and be unhappy so that we could be happy someday? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer trying to make it work. But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called The Ridge and you can see for miles on a clear day..even to Long Island sound if you looked in the right direction. People used to climb up it's face and think they could see the whole world...as far as the eye could see. How were they ever to imagine that their whole view would someday be in ruins with skyscrapers and houses, paved roads and man made mountains? It's one of the most beautiful places I've been in Connecticut and it allows the mind to wander as your eyes envelope it's landscape. The Ridge feels like a precious scar, a place you don't really want to let go of because it hurts to good. We all want things to stay the same, settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change or things crumbling to ruins. But then I looked around at this landscape and all of the change it's endured, the way it's been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build all the beauty back up again, and I was reassured that maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just been the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift.

Ruin is the road to transformation.

Rediscovering cloud 9

I've decided to cut you out...well not so much decided as I have finally come to my senses and realized you need to go away now. haha I'm so happy right now I could dance in a million little circles and giggle until the stars fade and the sun begins to rise again. You made my life miserable and you were so manipulative and cruel and I'm just done with it. ahaha I don't even know why I feel like I need to blog this...maybe just to keep a record that you were ever here at all I guess, because I feel so giddy and I'm starting to forget what it felt like to be so sad. Thank you for what you did do for me when I needed you though. But you never needed me. You just wanted to save me so you could hurt me yourself. Oh well. I beat you. I survived anyways and you're gone and soon forgotten. I wish you well with the rest of your life. I hope you find people who make you as happy as I am.

P.S. Please don't ever come back into mine. I'd really appreciate it.

Love A&F,

Lindsay

I guess that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

I can remember now. I remember when things were good, because things are good again. I am not sad for the things I have lost, because they were never really mine to have. It's weird to know that someone who was once my whole world is now a stranger, but part of me believes that it was meant to be this way. People come into your life, shake it all up and make you different, no better no worse, just different; more lived in. Sometimes when I'm tired of being happy for life, and loving everything that's new and when I've realized I'm done being just angry and sad, I feel you and I miss you just a little bit but then it vanishes. We're better now as strangers, even if it makes me really sad sometimes.

Damaged

On the first page of our story,

the future seems so bright.

And this thing turned out so evil.

I don’t know why I’m still surprised

I've heard people grow up; I've just never known anyone who actually did.

These days..I know what I want. I no longer have the fear of not achieving it, but rather the fear of ACTUALLY achieving it. Because once I do things will change forever and there's no going back.

You shot me with an arrow, not meant to kill but to heal

Slapped in the face today. Not literally this time, but still doesn't stop the stinging. I lost a friend, maybe someone who could have been good for me, or maybe someone who would have eventually dragged me down in the end. I'm not mad, or sad, just a little resentful of myself. I used to be someone who took advantage of what other people had to offer. Who used people until they were dried up and then still kept asking for their sweet nectar. I had this coming a long time ago and god knows, if she knew the things that I had done to her...we'll she'd never want to talk to me ever again anyways. I guess that still makes me a little selfish because I'm relieved that I never have to tell her the biggest secret I ever kept from her...but then I guess that's a selfish act I'm willing to keep to myself because it will only bring more pain where no pain is needed any longer. Rehashing the past = not so cute. I'm making my rounds of apologizes to those I have hurt in the past when they should have been adored. Time is healing me, but I am making me a better person. I can't change the things that I have done, but I can change who I am, and who I want to be. I am thankful for the enlightenment that I have been given to allow me to see all of the wrongs I have been doing.

Blessed is she who comes with a broken soul and leaves with one rejuvenated and loving.

Forever,

Rose

It's done

"This thing with us is finished. It's over."

"Finally."
"Yeah, it's done."

"It is done."

No one warned me reading could be dangerous

I know it's not healthy. I know I'm not healthy. I KNOW it's gone, but I can't help it. God I wish I could. I wish I could stop remembering every single stupid little thing about you and me and us and what we wanted and what I wanted with you. I wish I could just STOP reading because whenever I read, I know I'm going to get hurt. I know all I'm going to feel is pain, because all the memories start rushing back and I think I'm ready but then I get punched in the chest, HARD and I wonder what the hell I was thinking in the first place even thinking about starting this back up.

I know me, and I know I am hurt. I know I am still broken, but here's the thing that's changed:

Every once in a while you try to convince yourself you still love me somehow through all of this and every once in a while I try to convince myself I'm over you. I think we're both lying and that's unhealthy. I thought being away would make things different. I thought I would find guys who struck me in ways you never did, never could...but that fucking movie. That stupid fucking movie that I HATE, LOVE. Well that movie is ruining it for me. That movie fucks my perfect little streak up every time. My perfect streak of convincing myself I'm over you. That streak that keeps me glued to my A&P books and that perfect little streak that makes me think that I can just look up one day and you'll be replaced in my heart.

I need to stop reading. I need to block myself from reading, because all it does is hurt me and make me miss you more. I don;t know you anymore, and yet I still love you. How is it possible to love a stranger? How is it possible to love someone who you thought you held and knew the core of, but ever that isn't yours anymore? You gave away my core...and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy that you're happy. Even if it means you're not with me, because that's what a best friend is. That's what a best friend does, and I thought I was still your best friend, but I don't think I'm even that anymore. I know I did this to myself. That i backed out, that I holed away and I left my place be taken, but I just wish there was a way to get it back.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I know how to take care of myself. I can live alone and not be scared. The future doesn't scare me anymore because I don;t even worry about it anymore. I don't think about it, because there's too much going on here and now that I'll miss if I start living in the future again. I'm okay. I am capable of being alone and happy. I just never thought I would miss having someone so much. So I hope you are happy. I pray each night that you are doing well and that you will have a happy life with the person you someday love and marry. I worry about you and I care for you. But I am okay. Just one week out of the month, all of this falls apart, and I lose and you win again.

If you move on what do you do if they come back?

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the graces of a woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

You can never care too much, it's the biggest way people lie to themselves

"Passion is passion. It’s the excitement between the tedious spaces, and it doesn’t matter where it’s directed. It can be coins or sports or politics or horses or music or faith … The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all."

— Nicholas Sparks

I don't want to do it anymore

I'm just exhausted. School is exhausting, being home is exhausting, what happened and is happening to Kelly is exhausting and you, hating you is the most exhausting...I don't wanna do it anymore.

What's your secret?

I have a secret:

Every time I read something romantical online that I find somewhere where hundreds of people have done it...I hope you wrote it for me.

That I will never know that you wrote it for sure, or maybe someday I'll bring it up and you'll be surprised and tell me that you wrote one for me and it just happened to be the one I liked the best. I know this stuff only happens in the movies or in books, but what if it DID happen in reality?

I know I live in a whole different universe where people find their other half and things aren't perfect, but they're pretty damn close to it. I guess maybe it's because I've always been a little bit like that and I thought I really had found it once...but the thing is I still think it's out there. Maybe you think I'm too old for this type of day dream now...but I don't think that you're ever too old to believe in true love.

Sometimes I find myself day dreaming about my future with you. What our life will be like together...see I'm not one of those simple girls easily made happy with the right wedding dress. I'm easy to please but hard to keep. My best friend said we're the most simple girls on the outside but once you get to our core, you'll either hate us or love us forever.

I'm not looking for someone who's perfect...I'm just looking for someone who thinks my battle scars are beautiful.

Dear world,

I like the idea that somewhere, you're hiding my love! Sometimes I imagine that we're doing the same mundane things at the same time...waiting as the time counts down until the day that we finally meet.

That makes the world beautiful to me.

thank you

-A dreamer

Today is a good day

you know? if i was a boy, i would totally want a girl like me. i don’t know what is wrong with all you.

I fell in love of the arms of an imaginary man

YOU broke MY heart and you still got to be the one to walk away. You still got to be the one who had to feel no pain. You got to be the one to walk right out of my arms and into someone else's. You get to breathe easy while I sometimes still have to fight to breathe when I get a call or a text or any sort of signal that you are even alive anymore. You walked right out of my life and you don't even make the effort to stay in it. You walked away without scars while I am covered in scabs that still rip open occasionally. You won, and I lost. Everything. Which leads me to believe that nothing between us was real. That it was all just a figment of my imagination for years. You were never real were you? You never meant to keep any of those promises....and why would you?

You aren't real.

I'm thinking in a brand new way

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair
And how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?

How many lonely, sleepless nights
How many lies, how many fights
And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way
Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain

How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile that you've been thinking of all day

You can turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she'll take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, sister
You'll never know how much I missed her
Starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
Started up a brand new day

It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee
I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there

Baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, Mac
I'm begging her to take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
Started up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero buddy
Don't wanna be no fuddy duddy
Started up a brand new day

I'm the rhythm in your tune
I'm the sun and you're the moon
I'm a bat and you're the cave
You're the beach and I'm the wave
I’m the plow and you’re the land
You're the glove and I'm the hand
I'm the train and you're the station
I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

I'm the present to your future
You're the wound and I’m the suture
You're the magnet to my pole
I'm the devil in your soul
You're the pupil I'm the teacher
You're the church and I'm the preacher
You're the flower I'm the rain
You're the tunnel I'm the train

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

You're the crop to my rotation
You're the sum of my equation
I'm the answer to your question
If you follow my suggestion
We can turn this ship around
We'll go up instead of down
You're the pan and I'm the handle
You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
We're starting up a brand new day

Please don't leave me for so long next time

She waits for me. Almost as if it stays away just until I need her, till I need a change or a new outlook on the world...and the she comes just when I'm starting to feel like I'm going to die from withdrawal. She comes showering down in me and my world and gives me something beautiful to see in it again. I have been needing this for a very long time. The last week has been a tease and it didn't come anywhere near refilling the puddles in my soul that dry up and crack when she's not here. She's a part of me and only those who love and appreciate all of her challenges, and eloquences the way I have come to can truly get an almost high off of her presence in their lives. She brings with her a different kind of comeliness and homage than her brother. So I am going to enjoy my time with her here again by having a lazy day of studying all of the bones and their features for my exam on Thursday and enjoying her smell and touch on my soul throughout the day. Her love has never failed me, and for that I will never have to stop loving her.

What love is like for someone I love

In a city of thousands he walked into the your coffee shop.

first night, in her arms

she kissed me awake

butterfly kisses dancing skin

nothing more at stake

i don’t know what to do

is the purest of possibilities

clean slate, for the heart, of the heart

i don’t know what to undo

all this fire, all this aglow

i don’t know what is true

only, that she is

in bloom

His words inspire me to go out and find what he has. What she now has. They are both so lucky to have found someone who makes them feel this way. I'm losing my bearings and I'm becoming a ball of mushy feelings. Love must feel like that. I'm jealous that he can make that mush and turn it into something that makes me cry to read. That's something that a lot of people struggle with. It's easy to explain pain. You can tell doctors where it is, explain how much there is on a scale and get it fixed. But love....you can't give a specific location, explain how much or how quickly it spreads and there's never a scale big enough to encompass the amount of love you feel. That's part of what makes it so special. You can't explain it very well, but you know it's there and you can always feel it, and it's always easy to give away...because you can always make more.

Let me hold your crown, babe

I hate to break it to you babe,
but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Sometimes I forget that I left. That I finished with this. That I already gave up hope, and waiting and wishing. Sometimes I simply forget and revert back to old ways because I became so accustom to waiting around for things to just work themselves out; waiting to have my sister's fairytale for myself. But I remember now. I stopped waiting. I'm making my own fairytale now.

A beautiful wedding

I am not a sap. But this weekend I watched my sister Casey (smace) who is just older than myself get married on a Mississippi River boat. Actually, her and her husband (Ardeshir) renewed their vows in front of both of their entire families (myself included) and friends and their son Sia (my nephew born in July this summer) and I cried. I don't mean that I bawled my eyes out or anything, but I was literally happy crying for them. I am incredibly happy for my sister and Ardeshir. It's so visible on both of their faces and in the way they treat and act around each other how amazingly in love they are, and how happy they are to have found one another.

(they had superhero references in their renewal vows; I think Ardeshir is going to make a wonderful addition to our family full of dorks, as well as have a family of his own little dorks <3)

I did not cry at my sister Meryl and her husband of almost 5 years, Shawn's wedding, but this weekend I also looked at them as Meryl who was the maid of honor, made her wedding speech and found that yet again I had tears in my eyes at the looks and acts of love that they shared in those moments as well as throughout the entire weekend.

So, I say yet again that I am not a sap...usually, but it seems that the ice has been broken around this heart and I am able to feel those intense and girlish emotions yet again. I'm next to get married out of my sisters (if we continue the birth order that is) yet I feel no rush to get married. I just hope that I may also find in someone the love and kindness and compassion that I was able to see in these couples for one another.

Casey and Ardeshir, may your marriage have much love, compassion, patience, kindness and excitement. May your days together be filled with the joy of finally finding someone who completely understands and appreciates you for exactly who you are. May the hardships be short and the blessings be many.

All my love and best wishes,

Lindsay Rose

CONGRATULATIONS, and welcome into the family officially <3>

New everything

Well...not everything is NEW...but My hair is new. My room is a new color of vibrant blue and I am new. I'm a harder working individual. (maybe I don't necessarily have a real job just yet) but I work hard in my classes, I work hard outside of my classes, I exercise regularly, I don't go out too much but when I do it's always a good time and I'm finally just deleting people out of my life who bring me down. I'm a new Lindsay and for the first time in some time I'm really proud of who I am, the way I act, the people I let stay in my life and of who I am working towards being. I'm a stronger, newer, more confident woman and I feel pretty damn good about that.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Go be your own light. =)

p.s. thought you might enjoy this...since you're one of the only people who actually reads this thing...maybe you'll actually comment. lol

If only in my dreams

THIS HAS TO BE A JOKE!!! I don't know if you personally picked every single one of these songs out or if you just put every one from the album on here...but I can't do this. I can't listen to this music. I made it through about 6 songs before I had tears just uncontrollably streaming down my face. I can;t handle this. I thought maybe I was gonna be able to do this. To listen to this type of stuff again..but music and I aren't exactly friends these days. We haven't been for quite some time.
I mean do you believe in signs? I sure do. But I wonder what it would be like to follow EVERY sign we thought we saw. I wonder if our lives would turn out the same way or if we are missing things or if we are just meant to not follow signs. I wonder so many things about signs...it sometimes gives me a headache. But I guess I just wonder.

I also love a lot. I've been told I love too much, too easily and too often...but how are we ever supposed to appreciate the love we do finally end up with if we don;t get out heart broken a few or multiple times along the way? UGHHHH I just wanna find it. I'm TIRED of waiting for him or her. I just wanna be happy and LOVED!!! Is that too much to ask for? maybe.

The Birthday that just keeps giving

Today was my 21st birthday. Yup...The BIG 21...lol

Went up to see all the besties in Salem today and had a blast!!! love you guys...thanks for making my birthday so special. =)

Don't you just LOVE birthdays?.... Enjoy the view of the bits of birthday that are left. =)

not everyone falls in love with you right away, I took my time

I'm home. Officially. Not for good, but for a little while at least. I started classes on Thursday and I got to dissect a rat in my very first Anatomy and Physiology Lab. It was amazing...I don't really know how to explain it, but for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I'm making progress towards who I want to be in this life. It's a hard class, I won't lie about that and I already feel over my head in all of the stuff I have to learn by next class, but I have never been more in love or felt more alive with learning than I do when I'm in my A&P class and lab.

Besides that things are different at home. I feel like I have room mates instead of parents sometimes and other times I still feel like I'm all alone I'm all alone. I've made a few friends at school so far, but 2 out of 3 are married moms with families to get back to. I miss having people my own age around and an atmosphere that doesn't end when I go home. I miss being able to walk down a hall or up a floor to see people. Now I have to drive an hour or more just to see anyone other than cam (who has a girlfriend) or will (who works all the time). I thought moving home was going to make me feel more like a kid, but it's the opposite. I feel like I'm out on the real world already and I'm drowning a little. I miss my friends. And I'm just really lonely in general.

Which is the thing I hate the most because all I do is think about you when I'm by myself and it's not something I like to make a habit out of if I can help it. I don't have a claim to you anymore other than your one of my best friends and I miss you all the time. I miss your warmth and the way you make me feel better in just about any scenario. I know you're really busy but I always wonder if you ever think about me all day too. Because some days I literally can't get you out of my head ALL day. It's like you take up permanent residence in my memory and you just like to hit replay each time I start to think about anything else. I don't really know if I miss you because I'm lonely, or because I can't just go see you whenever I want to anymore, or maybe just because I want someone to love me and I need to feel loved again. But none the less please get out of my head, because you're making it much harder to be away than it was going to be in the first place. I really just miss you.

"So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us world's apart

And I miss you

Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

I'm standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here"