CHANGE

It can be good and it can be bad, or it can be indifferent. Sometimes it's really great, like a great opportunity, or something that's really needed to happen. Indifferent, feels like it could have happened or not, but either way the thing is, is that nothing really happened because of it. But bad...it doesn't always mean it goes along with the negative connotation of the word bad. It could just mean that it brings out sad emotions or emotions that upset you rather than overjoy you. it's not necessarily a "BAD" change...just something more people probably wished didn't have to happen, or wish hadn't happened. Sometimes people change who they are and it seems like a great thing so you're really happy but somewhere along the way they lose who they used to be to you. That's when it's sad, because in their great change, you're the one who lost, and there's not a damn thing you can or even would do about it, because you realize even though you lost a little, they and other people gained a lot. That's irreplaceable. Someone who would give up everything they knew and loved about you, or what seems like everything, for the benefit of you and the other people you associate yourself with currently and for the millions of people you will in the future. Those people....they're the people to be, because eventually they will meet someone who they will reap the benefits of because someone loved someone enough to do what they did for someone else. Those people are so lucky, and most of the time they never even know that their friend wasn't some cruel person...they just loved them enough to let them grow.

yes

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
alone
All I know
I still got mountain to climb
on my own
on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
to let me follow through
to let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
you’re so beautiful, tonight

back from the dead we went through
back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
you look beautiful tonight

but every seed dies before it grows

breathe it in
and let it go
every breath you take is not your to own
it's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

-switchfoot

Found out my best friend died today. He died alone, next to a freezer. I have no idea how long he's been dead or whether it was painful. It terrifies me. Remember how I said something big was on its way…that I had a feeling about something? Well, I never thought it would turn out like this. I didn't need to lose my best friend. Not now, when everything is so close to being over. I didn't even get to say goodbye. He was my very best friend...there wasn't a single secret between us. He was my savior 100% of the time and I don't know if he even ever knew that. If he understood the amounts of times that he saved me after a bad break up (which there are few of, but they were deadly) and the amounts of times I would wonder what to do and he would be there for me...like he had a sixth sense as to when I was feeling bad. He never told a soul my secrets and he was forever letting me know how much he loved me. He was my favorite body to sleep next to, my favorite snuggle buddy; the warmest in the winter and the friendliest to wake up to all year round. I'd going to miss the way he was always a gentleman and always knocked before entering, and how I could leave the door open just a tad every night so he could sneak in and sleep with me so I'd never have to sleep alone. This was my best friend. May he rest in peace for he lived a long life and I was truly blessed to have his touch mine. I will always love you.

I love you my little orange tiger man.

I really love how new people and different personalities seem to bring out the best in me no matter what type of person or personality. I like it, so thank you...for taking an interest in me...because my interest in you has recently sky rocketed, and I really like it..and you. =)

Victory is far less beautiful than this masterpiece

Congratulations.
I've decided. You've won, forever.
I want no part of this anymore when I leave.

It's funny you know. you say all that shit to me, but you have absolutely no idea what life is like for me anymore. You have no idea what has happened to me earlier today or that now your words sting in a way that is not intended. I'm sure you have something going on with you because I have never done anything to you to deserve getting treated like this and that's the reason that as hard as it is, I never sink to your level. Because I'm better than you. I take the time to realize that there is more going on beyond what you say to me. That something may have happened to you earlier that would make your words not sting like they were intended, but instead burn. They burn my skin, leaving little scars of hurt all over my body that to you are so minuscule that you can't even see them, but for me, they cover me. They're everywhere, completely inescapable. They burn and scar but they don't disappear. They shrink over time, but they will never disappear. That's why I can't be around you anymore. You're so toxic and I don't even think you realize it. i can't escape you yet, because the school year it's over yet. I can't wait to be rid of you. The pain isn;t even explainable to an actual degree. All I know is that when you're around I can almost feel your own pain. I pity you above everything else. I'm sorry you're hurting this much but that doesn't make what you're doing to me or anyone else okay.
As much as I sometimes would love nothing more than to hurt your feelings back, a part of me, and any times it's the only part of me realizes how broken you are. I could never look at someone as as broken as you are and try to bring them down anymore. That's what you did to me. You saw and knew how broken I was and you made my life a living hell anyways. I can't do that. You probably would say that makes me weak, but in actuality I know it mean's I'm getting stronger. That I can see the way that the words I say and the things I do can hurt people more than I ever intended to because I have no idea what is happening to them or inside them when I can't see them and sometimes even when I can see them. You don't know me anymore and I am so thankful for that. I pray for you everyday, but sometimes karma takes just a little too long.

And yet I keep forgiving you, because I know it's what makes me different from you.

Time to believe in the things we don't understand

THIS does not happen a lot. I mean well I get them and she get's them but for us to BOTH be having this huge gut feeling....well it means something is in store. Something Big is in store. I can feel is deep in the pit of my gut and so can she and well...for that to happen, for us BOTH to be having these feeling in the pit of our guts so strong that they almost hurt...well it means it's big, It's coming fast and that it's going to rattle the shit out of some people's worlds. By mean this doesn't happen a lot I mean that it's probably happened about 5 times in our whole lives. This would be 6. Six is an even number...it also means Enlightenment. Or more specifically a light. Lighting a path to spiritual and mental balances. It also beckons us to use compassion and to Consciously choose forgiveness in a situation. I TOLD you we were old souls. It's like not only can I feel it in my gut, but I feel it in my bones, in my mind, in my soul. Time to believe in the human race.

I don't really think that it was your intention to have me sitting here thinking about your body rather than mine. I don't really thing you meant for your words to bounce right off of me and to sting you. I mean honestly? a WALRUS. That was the best thing you could come up with? a WALRUS. wow. I thought you were more creative than that...god knows josh is. But what's even more funny to me is that you wouldn't even dare say that to my actual face. That you don't even have the ability to call me to my face FAT. It's so funny. I mean honestly...I don't think you mean to call me FAT, I'm sure you can think of much more creative things to call me that don't cause you to actually have to make things up. I mean....wow..I'm just so unimpressed. Your lack of imagination makes me wonder if you are actually as grand as you believe yourself to be. I mean CLEARLY you aren't...at least not to the general public...but to a small amount of people you obviously mean something. Right? I just don't get it, and I probably never will.

But the sad thing is, is that at one point in my life I would have actually taken what you said to heart, but today, just like every day for the last well....while, you are nothing to me. You have nothing on me. You cannot say ANYTHING that could possibly hurt me more than I have hurt myself and to be in this apartment and watch you attempt to even come close to the way I can make MYSELF feel, well that's just absolutely amusing. Let me tell you something...I am not FAT, nor have I ever been FAT in my life, and for you to stand or sit or whatever and say that to my back or my side or anywhere BUT my FACE makes you a coward, and I feel incredibly sorry for you.

I'm sure you are in your own way an almost halfway decent human being, but the way you choose to express yourself is childish and quite frankly a little bit confusing. I hope for your sake as well as everyone else involved with you that you do someday realize the errors in your ways, but by then I will be long gone and nowhere near capable of hearing your apology.

So I forgive you now. I forgive you for being so hateful and spiteful; for trying to make me feel bad about myself for being who I am; for thinking you could make me question who I am in any way, shape or form; and for treating me in a manner that no one should ever have to be treated in their life, and for trying to use my own past self doubts to hurt me. I forgive you, because I am a stronger person than you. I am not better than you but I do treat people better than you. I love myself more than you like yourself. I will go places that you will not go and experience things that you will not, but for that I am not sorry. I forgive you because everyone deserves forgiveness even when sometimes even they can't forgive themselves.

Second chances don't come around often so please when given them use them wisely, but I wish you the very best of luck in your future and I truly do love you, but no matter what you say, or do or whatever to me, I will always remain me, so please I'm asking you to stop wasting your time because it's sad, and it only causes me to feel sorry for you which is something I'd really rather not be doing with my time.

Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.