The Birthday that just keeps giving

Today was my 21st birthday. Yup...The BIG 21...lol

Went up to see all the besties in Salem today and had a blast!!! love you guys...thanks for making my birthday so special. =)

Don't you just LOVE birthdays?.... Enjoy the view of the bits of birthday that are left. =)

not everyone falls in love with you right away, I took my time

I'm home. Officially. Not for good, but for a little while at least. I started classes on Thursday and I got to dissect a rat in my very first Anatomy and Physiology Lab. It was amazing...I don't really know how to explain it, but for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I'm making progress towards who I want to be in this life. It's a hard class, I won't lie about that and I already feel over my head in all of the stuff I have to learn by next class, but I have never been more in love or felt more alive with learning than I do when I'm in my A&P class and lab.

Besides that things are different at home. I feel like I have room mates instead of parents sometimes and other times I still feel like I'm all alone I'm all alone. I've made a few friends at school so far, but 2 out of 3 are married moms with families to get back to. I miss having people my own age around and an atmosphere that doesn't end when I go home. I miss being able to walk down a hall or up a floor to see people. Now I have to drive an hour or more just to see anyone other than cam (who has a girlfriend) or will (who works all the time). I thought moving home was going to make me feel more like a kid, but it's the opposite. I feel like I'm out on the real world already and I'm drowning a little. I miss my friends. And I'm just really lonely in general.

Which is the thing I hate the most because all I do is think about you when I'm by myself and it's not something I like to make a habit out of if I can help it. I don't have a claim to you anymore other than your one of my best friends and I miss you all the time. I miss your warmth and the way you make me feel better in just about any scenario. I know you're really busy but I always wonder if you ever think about me all day too. Because some days I literally can't get you out of my head ALL day. It's like you take up permanent residence in my memory and you just like to hit replay each time I start to think about anything else. I don't really know if I miss you because I'm lonely, or because I can't just go see you whenever I want to anymore, or maybe just because I want someone to love me and I need to feel loved again. But none the less please get out of my head, because you're making it much harder to be away than it was going to be in the first place. I really just miss you.

"So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us world's apart

And I miss you

Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

I'm standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here"

Where do you call home?

I had my first day at Tunxis Community College today. It was amazing. I made about3 new friends, loved my Bio Lecture and Lab. My Lab professor is witty in a dry humor sort of way that I really enjoyed. And my Anatomy and Physiology Lab was AMAZING. My professor looks like Dr. Hahn from Grey's Anatomy and Act's like Arizona to boot. =) I also Dissected a Rat in my very first lab. It was wonderful..So why an I in my room with tears streaming down my face?

I miss Salem. I miss my friends there. I miss the Campus life. I didn't expect to miss it this much, but the sad fact is I miss the things that I finally JUST GOT. I finally started to feel like I had a home away from home. I just got a bunch of guy friends. I finally started to find a group of people that I actually fit in and who would miss me when I was gone.

That's the worst part about being back here. Is I have to start all over with everything new again...and it's harder because I only see these people in class. I don't get to see them in the Cafe or walking around campus or around town or in the dorms. Class. That's it.

I miss my boys from Salem. I miss my friends who are all RA's. I miss Jude in his homey stale apartment. I miss what used to be home as much as I hated it. This isn't home anymore. Maybe I feel like this because my room is a hurricane disaster right now, or because Whitney is leaving to live in the dorms soon, or because my best friends are all in every state other than the one I'm in but I miss Salem, I miss my family there. I don't miss working for Reslife, or dealing with the stupid shit, but I miss the place I called home for two years, that I feel like I can no longer call home anymore. And HOME isn't home anymore.

I know where I'm going academically, but where am I going to call home in the mean time? Where will I call home when I'm done?

It's okay to grow up

"because it was true. and it couldn't be helped anyway..."

The Last Summer (of You and Me)

There's always one person who you love who always becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of their lovable qualities are self- destructive and unreasonable.the person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're more often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Kelly Ann Urban

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had just enough time

I'd really like to know something, and if you have an answer I'd really be willing to hear it. WHY does it seem to be that people...not everyone, but some people once you tell the that you have been in an abusive relationship in your past...what is it that makes them think that t is okay to verbally, emotionally, physically, or whatever kind, abuse you yet again?

Tell me: did you think I would be MORE willing to put up with it from you? Did you think that because I had done it before and I had pushed through and made myself only stronger that it was okay to test my boundaries now? Or did you think that maybe because you were a friend and not a lover that it was different?

Well let me tell you something: it's not. I will not put up with it from you and you may be one of my best friends but the way you regularly put me down, make me feel like a shitty person and friend and treat me is not going to last long. Growing stronger from being abused before means that my patience has run extremely short with people who feel as though they can push me around. You and NOT my mother, my lover, or me....so I owe you no explanations as to what I do all weekend. I also do not owe you a text as soon as I step onto campus...and if I do not answer your texts because I am sleeping or better yet if I DID NOT GET THEM you have no right to make me feel as though that it something that I should have done. It is a NICE thing for me to do to text you when I get to campus but I OWE you nothing.

I also do not NEED you nor have I ever NEEDED you. So please next time you want to get angry with me and say hurtful things at least say things that are true. Yes I enjoy your company and yes I enjoy having you around and being able to lean on you as a friend but I do not need you because of it. The way you have been acting lately shows me I do not need it more than ever...and half the time I don't want to be anywhere near you. You lean on me and I lean on you...that is called a friendship...but it does not mean that I need you, and it certainly doesn't mean that you can treat me the way you do. There are very few people that I need in my life and you are not one of them.

Look I know you said that this is who you are and I could take it or leave it because you weren't changing and that's fine because by the looks of it I'll be leaving it no problem. I know all about pushing people away so hard they never want to talk to you again. I know that words can sometimes cut deeper than any kind of weapon that you can get and they leave more lasting and harmful scaring. You want people to always pull when you push but I'm not like that. I have changed and there is now a limit of how much I can let you push till I'm gone. I stick around and through a lot more than most people and I have lot through a lot of you saying really hurtful things to me over the last 8 months...but you ARE going to change that or you ARE going to lose me. It's that simple. If my best friend was doing the same thing you are I would be telling her the same thing, but she's not. She knows better than to push my limits and to verbally abuse me the way you do.

So take you're time, because YOU are the one who said "FUCK YOU." last night, not me. You are the one who called me a baby yet again. but the difference is you are the weak one, because I never put you down last night even when that was all you were doing to me. I've grown and you, you've stayed the same. You will keep finding yourself losing friends if you keep this up..so many it is time to make a change. Just saying, you're walking a really thin line right now. How could you possibly think that this was okay?

You're my favorite little punching bag

Do I have punching bag written on my forehead or something? Is it a well known fact spread amongst people that I both know and do not know that I will put up with your crap for an obnoxiously long time, while you constantly put me down and make me feel like the worst person/friend in the entire world?

Well that part of me was probably one of my better qualities...yet it's been one of the most abused and therefore I want to rejecting that part of my personality. I think when you melted my frozen heart you did it so quickly that I was inspired to not only let you in and people who deserved it, but also the people who didn't. The people who have done nothing since but occasionally rise me up but more often than not try to stomp me down into the ground and even those who see that I am already on the ground and insist that they push me through the cold and heart earth we walk upon. No; I am finally limiting this part of my personality before I lose myself again to the harshness of winter ice.

This is not to say that I am not fighting to keep from becoming the ice queen with no emotional connection to anything or anyone again. I am simply harboring my most prized possession beyond the lock and key that are harder to reach than the possession itself. Those undeserving will quickly come across the lock but give up before coming anywhere close to the key. Yet I am blaming no one but myself, for thinking that the world was somehow different. That people were somewhat more deserving and less cruel than they had been years ago when my heart completely froze over for the first and only time. Since it was frozen there was no way to get hurt but there was no way to feel...when it defrosted I knew both of those would come back but I out weighed the good from the bad and I still do.

But you don't deserve what I have to offer. You abuse the advances I allowed you and you have pushed me down beyond my breaking point on several occasions. You abuse your own faults and assume that I will just take in this abuse of me and let you get away with treating me like a punching bag. What you have ignored is the fact that the punching bag no longer exists. The punching bag was beaten down and ripped apart this year and therefore it has disappeared...what you now were punching at was my pure and unprotected heart. And yet this heart is stronger than the last. This one took the pain instead of freezing over to block it out, and now you will pay for tying to break again my newly whole heart. Not through the means of revenge; but instead in the loss of someone who actually genuinely cared for you.

For I have learned over the year that it is not the weak heart who walks away because it is time to leave, but more that it is the weak heart who walks away in fear. I do not fear you or the hurt that you bring me. I have just simply endured it and put up with it longer than is necessary and now I have made the choice to leave. I have made the choice to walk away with a full heart and not a fearful one. You don't scare me, but you did and do hurt me and that is not acceptable on a regular basis in a best friendship. I have grown within myself, maybe you should try to do the same. I feel you would find much you disapprove of in others within yourself.

Lay me down in a bed of roses....send me away with the words of a love song

Is it weird to be afraid to go home? Because I love it there...but I can feel how much I have changed from my friends and how different we have become and I am oddly afraid of reverting back to a somewhat ignorantly blissful lifestyle which is something I would really like to avoid for the rest of my life. I grew up a lot at college. I changed into someone that I hated for a really long time, and then changed again to the person I am today. I'm sure I will still make changes about who I am and within myself but I don't want to go backward. Maybe you have to go backwards sometimes though just to keep in check how fast you're moving forward.

It's a strange feeling knowing you aren't who your past thinks you are anymore.

Sand travels quick, but the memories always stick

It makes me sad to talk about it. I hate to talk about it, to remember everything because I forgot the good stuff. I forgot when it was good and I don't know if I could remember if it was good except for the music. The music...just as music has always done has a way of capturing my soul in that moment of first note and never releasing it. So music has always held my memories. American Pie... that's a song from my camp days where my best friend and I would dance together through all of the couples slow dancing in the theme decorated mess hall. Rainy Mondays..that's the first song I ever listened to when I first met Jeff and we talked about music. Your song- from the movie Moulin Rouge...that's was mike's way of telling me that he still cared about me even when times were bad...I would come home one day and find it left playing on a voice mail. Still- was the first time I truly fell in love and had a song with someone that was OUR song. Music holds pieces of my life...just as it would anyone's I suppose. It marks times throughout everyone's life when they feel the lyrics are calling to them. So music is my only true way that I can define my feelings...and they're not even my words. They're stolen....but I once read a quote that said, "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." I guess I'm not really very different...but for now I'm okay with that because I know already that when the times comes for my own words...that when the time did come for my won words...I was able to come up with them from my own head. So music take my soul and keep it because you're the only one I can always trust to remember it all.

I wished on my star for you tonight

Why is it always so easy for everyone else to move on? Why was it so easy for you to move on? I mean I guess it wasn't and I probably didn't make it any easier...but you still made it seem flawless. I wish...well I envy that about you. I envy your ability to just pick up and move on so fluidly. Maybe it's because all I've ever done when it comes to relationships is play games.

Games inside my head. Games about what's inside your head. Games about how much this relationship means to you. Games about how far I can push you till you break; till I break. I guess you were right about me always playing games. But what happens when I don't want to play games anymore? What happens when I need you to stop playing games too? Where do we go from there? Can a relationship even be a relationship to me without the games? Can I even do it? These are questions that you helped bring about.

How can someone be so into you one minute and the next it's like you never meant a single thing but a string of words put together?

Did I mean anything to you? Do I mean anything to you? How did you move on so fluidly? Will you teach me? Because I wish I could. I wish that the front I put up for moving on from people was real. I wish I could just move on...not forget about it, but just move on from it. But there's something that keeps me there. Maybe it's the unanswered questions...or maybe it's fear. Fear of never having that again no matter how long and far I search.

I won't settle for anything less. I won't put up with the games and the lies and the hurting...the constant hurting. I won't go back to that...but if I could just find another you...but the you I want you to be. The you that was meant for me. If I could just find that I would be okay. Not that I'm not okay now. I'm surviving and I'm living...I'd just like to be able to share that life...this life with someone who wants to share it with me too. Who can do this...the whole thing...all of me and nothing less than all of me. I want a better you for me and I want to be a better me for the better you.

So the games are ending now. I'm getting tired of playing them and I want someone who is getting tired of playing them as well. I wonder if you're out there. I wonder if I'll ever show you this blog. I wonder so many things about you and me and our life together...I miss you. I hope to meet you soon...or maybe I already know you.

Love forever,

Lindsay Rose

This is the last thing I wanted...

"You're only 18 years old. You don't know what love is yet."

I was told that over and over that year. I remember is so clearly now, the way betrayal felt; As if someone deliberately reached out and smacked me across the face. I remember love in it's darkest hour... or so I thought at the time. It was grueling, almost as if it were a right of passage, yet something I would never wish upon anyone, let alone you. You who is so young and naive to the mistakes and misfortunes of love.

"you watch too many movies." Is what I'll say to you.

Not to scare you away from thinking "happily ever after" exists, it's just an eye opener into what it means. This achievement is just that, an ACHIEVEMENT. It's not something that is easily gotten. You have to work for it and with it. Almost coax it out of it's rough exterior shell, and seen once you've gotten it out, it doesn't mean that will stay out forever. It's a life long process of running to and fro, and that's what you sign up for in marriage. You sign up for the chasing while the other one runs. You sign up to be the one chased if you run. You sign up for good, bad , horrible and amazing moments that you will share with plenty of others, but it is you who signed up for the keeper of those memories. So marriage is the one thing besides a true and lasting friendship that you have to work hardest for in this life and the two things that are most important.

So you... you deserve this. You deserve someone who is ready to sign up for this no matter how long or how far it takes you. You deserve to have them willingly and enthusiastically sign up for it WITH YOU. You don;t deserve to be the only one signed on. The only one keeping the memories and the only one doing any of the work. I'm not sorry to say this because I've said it all along and I;ll say it again until you finally understand and then I'll hold you as you cry... but He doesn't deserve you. You're so young to be this sad about this.

I love you. Stay strong love child because you are the bringer of my joy.

So much changes every year when you're still learning how to live in this world

But I don't blame you anymore
Thats too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend in the end

And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

sometimes we get so caught up in hating the bad we forget to love the good

I know there's no hope in holding up this weight.
It just won't float.
Man, I tried, but the tide.
It knows no sides.
If that's what's not fair, then what could be wrong with my life?
[If that's what's not fair, then what could be wrong with my life?]

Maybe she needs love
to put the bottle down.
Maybe she needs me
to be around.

The pain in her stare is drawing me shapes
oh, so fair.
The pain in her stare is making me wish I was there
with something to declare.

We'll it's quite possible I won't make it out
alive.
Because I'm quite sure that I could die.
Because what's best is what's left when nothing is left but the sound of
the rain on your head, a woman asleep in your bed.
Dreaming in my bed.

Something's got to happen.
Now

21 years...might be ending soon

I cant do this anymore. I can't sit and listen to this anymore. I'm tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of listening to you ponder over what you should do when you should have known the right answer so long ago. So WHY the FUCK do you think that talking to him is going to make things better? This has been going on for um lets see.....I'm pretty sure we're rounding on about 4 years now. This is starting to get pathetic...and I'm not just talking about him anymore, I'm talking about you now too. You who are supposed to be this strong person of high moral mindset. You who is supposed to be my BEST FRIEND, is now the person for the life of herself can't decide when to let go. Who lets herself be constantly dragged back and down by this man who DIDN'T CHOOSE YOU when the time came to choose. I don't understand and I fear I never will, because that fear is what makes me willing to stop listening to every excuse you have for a while.

I sat by while you chatted up the ego of a married man. I sat by while you slept with someone else's husband and tried to convince yourself and everyone else it was okay to do because things started with you guys before he was married...here's the thing best friend....when he got married to someone who was NOT YOU it should have ended there. But it didn't. I continued to sit by while you told him to leave his wife for you and I would have defended you even after his WIFE found out about you and him.

I have sat and listened to you pine over him for YEARS. I also watched him treat you like shit and comforted you while you cried over him. I watched him turn his back on you numerous times, most of the time right after he told you he would always be here for you if you ever needed anything. But when you really needed something, he was nowhere to be found. And I watched him choose his WIFE over YOU when it really came down to it. So WHY is it so easy for you to let him back in? And WHY do you think that I even as your best friend would like to sit and listen to you actually debate about letting HIM back into your life?

So, no. I'm done with this. I won't sit and listen to you talk about him anymore. You can find someone else to talk to about this because as far as I am concerned DEREK DIED a long time ago and you're just holding on to a ghost. This person is repulsing, and cruel, uncaring and incapable of showing or giving true love. and you of all people deserve that more than anyone I know, But I can't force you to see that. I can't force you to keep him out of your life. I can't force you to understand that you deserve and can do so much better if you actually took a look around. I can't force you to see that he is someone who will suck away everything you have and never return what you need to survive. I HATE him...and I have NEVER hated someone in my life. I have also never done this before but I'm exercising MY ability as a BEST FRIEND. I can't sit by and watch you do this all over again. I'm sorry. I hate watching you hurt yourself...because only you can make this stop now.

Death and all his friends

A lot of people I know don't know how to deal with death very well. I grew up going to funerals and having people who I knew as well as didn't know alike dropping like flies right out of this world and my life.

My freshman year of his school my best friend in Concert Choir's sister hung herself in her dorm room closet. They had an open casket and all I can really remember is that they didn't hide the rope burn mark around her neck very well. They stole her last bit of dignity at her own funeral.

Sophomore year at my high school was really rough. First this Junior died in a off-roading accident and then barely more than a week later our school officer was gunned down by her crummy ex-boyfriend in a domestic violence incident. He was a state trooper...you gotta love how CT does their back ground checks on their cops. The lines for their funerals were out the door and they had those pull lines formed like they do in the mall when you're waiting in line to check out a new t-shirt or something.

Then the following year when I was a Junior, a girl I grew up with but wasn't really friends with anymore, her brother committed suicide. Bernie was a pot head and he had a loving family, doting girlfriend and a 2 year old daughter when he drove his car 80 miles an hour into a cement block next to the abandoned children's hospital. I didn't really know Bernie, a lot like I don't really know a lot of people who's funerals I've been to. But his death was the one that affected me most, in the way that causes my inability to cry at funerals anymore. I just sit there stone faced and wondering what these people's lives were like or could have been like. Bernie stole my right to cry at death.

No one died my Senior year of high school, but about a week before I started my freshman year at SSU my 4'9" grandmother whom I loved and cared for more than anyone who had died in the last 4 years of my life passed away in the same manner she had always lived her life; (full of courage, love and happier than anyone I knew).

And this year my Sophomore year of College Wayne Farrington (Senior) committed suicide by sitting in his garage with the car on and the doors closed while blasting his favorite song. His death is more of a mystery to me than anyone else's. I know he had cancer and the Chemotherapy must have been greatly tolling on his young and very fit body but Wayne never struck me as someone who would take the easy way out of life I guess. But that the people you least expect to commit suicide are sometimes just the best at hiding their pain.

I don't really know why I'm talking about this during this 4-8am shift other than I guess that the reason I have such a hard time letting people go even when I know they don't want me, or want to be with me or whatever anymore is because it's not final. At least not to me. Death is final and I never get a say about that, but relationships of all kinds....those I get a say in. So people ask me why I stick around when people treat me like shit and basically kick me around till I break (which takes a lot) it's not because I have no self respect, or because I let people was all over me. It's because I need to feel loved. I need to feel like there is a reason to be here and that there is a reason I am still alive when all these other people are dead. I'm fighting to be loved by anyone, for any reason. I know everyone has a desire and a need to feel and be loved and I'm not saying I'm special, but I am different. I always have been in just about every aspect of life...and love is no different. Death is not something I fear...what I do fear more than anything is never being loved truly just for who I am by someone I can fully commit that same love back to. It's terrifying and sometimes I wonder if because I'm so closed I can't cry at funerals...if that mean's I'll never be open enough to truly accept love in it's most obvious and vulnerable state. I hope not, because I feel no matter who you are or what you have or haven't done, everyone deserves to find their other half.

No one writes songs about the ones that come easy

I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.
Epic how?
Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. EPIC. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.
Logan...
I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.