You shot me with an arrow, not meant to kill but to heal

Slapped in the face today. Not literally this time, but still doesn't stop the stinging. I lost a friend, maybe someone who could have been good for me, or maybe someone who would have eventually dragged me down in the end. I'm not mad, or sad, just a little resentful of myself. I used to be someone who took advantage of what other people had to offer. Who used people until they were dried up and then still kept asking for their sweet nectar. I had this coming a long time ago and god knows, if she knew the things that I had done to her...we'll she'd never want to talk to me ever again anyways. I guess that still makes me a little selfish because I'm relieved that I never have to tell her the biggest secret I ever kept from her...but then I guess that's a selfish act I'm willing to keep to myself because it will only bring more pain where no pain is needed any longer. Rehashing the past = not so cute. I'm making my rounds of apologizes to those I have hurt in the past when they should have been adored. Time is healing me, but I am making me a better person. I can't change the things that I have done, but I can change who I am, and who I want to be. I am thankful for the enlightenment that I have been given to allow me to see all of the wrongs I have been doing.

Blessed is she who comes with a broken soul and leaves with one rejuvenated and loving.

Forever,

Rose

It's done

"This thing with us is finished. It's over."

"Finally."
"Yeah, it's done."

"It is done."

No one warned me reading could be dangerous

I know it's not healthy. I know I'm not healthy. I KNOW it's gone, but I can't help it. God I wish I could. I wish I could stop remembering every single stupid little thing about you and me and us and what we wanted and what I wanted with you. I wish I could just STOP reading because whenever I read, I know I'm going to get hurt. I know all I'm going to feel is pain, because all the memories start rushing back and I think I'm ready but then I get punched in the chest, HARD and I wonder what the hell I was thinking in the first place even thinking about starting this back up.

I know me, and I know I am hurt. I know I am still broken, but here's the thing that's changed:

Every once in a while you try to convince yourself you still love me somehow through all of this and every once in a while I try to convince myself I'm over you. I think we're both lying and that's unhealthy. I thought being away would make things different. I thought I would find guys who struck me in ways you never did, never could...but that fucking movie. That stupid fucking movie that I HATE, LOVE. Well that movie is ruining it for me. That movie fucks my perfect little streak up every time. My perfect streak of convincing myself I'm over you. That streak that keeps me glued to my A&P books and that perfect little streak that makes me think that I can just look up one day and you'll be replaced in my heart.

I need to stop reading. I need to block myself from reading, because all it does is hurt me and make me miss you more. I don;t know you anymore, and yet I still love you. How is it possible to love a stranger? How is it possible to love someone who you thought you held and knew the core of, but ever that isn't yours anymore? You gave away my core...and I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy that you're happy. Even if it means you're not with me, because that's what a best friend is. That's what a best friend does, and I thought I was still your best friend, but I don't think I'm even that anymore. I know I did this to myself. That i backed out, that I holed away and I left my place be taken, but I just wish there was a way to get it back.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I know how to take care of myself. I can live alone and not be scared. The future doesn't scare me anymore because I don;t even worry about it anymore. I don't think about it, because there's too much going on here and now that I'll miss if I start living in the future again. I'm okay. I am capable of being alone and happy. I just never thought I would miss having someone so much. So I hope you are happy. I pray each night that you are doing well and that you will have a happy life with the person you someday love and marry. I worry about you and I care for you. But I am okay. Just one week out of the month, all of this falls apart, and I lose and you win again.

If you move on what do you do if they come back?

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the graces of a woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

You can never care too much, it's the biggest way people lie to themselves

"Passion is passion. It’s the excitement between the tedious spaces, and it doesn’t matter where it’s directed. It can be coins or sports or politics or horses or music or faith … The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all."

— Nicholas Sparks

I don't want to do it anymore

I'm just exhausted. School is exhausting, being home is exhausting, what happened and is happening to Kelly is exhausting and you, hating you is the most exhausting...I don't wanna do it anymore.

What's your secret?

I have a secret:

Every time I read something romantical online that I find somewhere where hundreds of people have done it...I hope you wrote it for me.

That I will never know that you wrote it for sure, or maybe someday I'll bring it up and you'll be surprised and tell me that you wrote one for me and it just happened to be the one I liked the best. I know this stuff only happens in the movies or in books, but what if it DID happen in reality?

I know I live in a whole different universe where people find their other half and things aren't perfect, but they're pretty damn close to it. I guess maybe it's because I've always been a little bit like that and I thought I really had found it once...but the thing is I still think it's out there. Maybe you think I'm too old for this type of day dream now...but I don't think that you're ever too old to believe in true love.

Sometimes I find myself day dreaming about my future with you. What our life will be like together...see I'm not one of those simple girls easily made happy with the right wedding dress. I'm easy to please but hard to keep. My best friend said we're the most simple girls on the outside but once you get to our core, you'll either hate us or love us forever.

I'm not looking for someone who's perfect...I'm just looking for someone who thinks my battle scars are beautiful.

Dear world,

I like the idea that somewhere, you're hiding my love! Sometimes I imagine that we're doing the same mundane things at the same time...waiting as the time counts down until the day that we finally meet.

That makes the world beautiful to me.

thank you

-A dreamer

Today is a good day

you know? if i was a boy, i would totally want a girl like me. i don’t know what is wrong with all you.

I fell in love of the arms of an imaginary man

YOU broke MY heart and you still got to be the one to walk away. You still got to be the one who had to feel no pain. You got to be the one to walk right out of my arms and into someone else's. You get to breathe easy while I sometimes still have to fight to breathe when I get a call or a text or any sort of signal that you are even alive anymore. You walked right out of my life and you don't even make the effort to stay in it. You walked away without scars while I am covered in scabs that still rip open occasionally. You won, and I lost. Everything. Which leads me to believe that nothing between us was real. That it was all just a figment of my imagination for years. You were never real were you? You never meant to keep any of those promises....and why would you?

You aren't real.

I'm thinking in a brand new way

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair
And how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?

How many lonely, sleepless nights
How many lies, how many fights
And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way
Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain

How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile that you've been thinking of all day

You can turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she'll take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, sister
You'll never know how much I missed her
Starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
Started up a brand new day

It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee
I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there

Baby wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute
Wait a minute, wait a minute

Turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, Mac
I'm begging her to take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
Started up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero buddy
Don't wanna be no fuddy duddy
Started up a brand new day

I'm the rhythm in your tune
I'm the sun and you're the moon
I'm a bat and you're the cave
You're the beach and I'm the wave
I’m the plow and you’re the land
You're the glove and I'm the hand
I'm the train and you're the station
I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

I'm the present to your future
You're the wound and I’m the suture
You're the magnet to my pole
I'm the devil in your soul
You're the pupil I'm the teacher
You're the church and I'm the preacher
You're the flower I'm the rain
You're the tunnel I'm the train

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
Starting up a brand new day

You're the crop to my rotation
You're the sum of my equation
I'm the answer to your question
If you follow my suggestion
We can turn this ship around
We'll go up instead of down
You're the pan and I'm the handle
You're the flame and I'm the candle

Stand up all you lovers in the world
Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl
Stand up all you lovers in the world
We're starting up a brand new day

Please don't leave me for so long next time

She waits for me. Almost as if it stays away just until I need her, till I need a change or a new outlook on the world...and the she comes just when I'm starting to feel like I'm going to die from withdrawal. She comes showering down in me and my world and gives me something beautiful to see in it again. I have been needing this for a very long time. The last week has been a tease and it didn't come anywhere near refilling the puddles in my soul that dry up and crack when she's not here. She's a part of me and only those who love and appreciate all of her challenges, and eloquences the way I have come to can truly get an almost high off of her presence in their lives. She brings with her a different kind of comeliness and homage than her brother. So I am going to enjoy my time with her here again by having a lazy day of studying all of the bones and their features for my exam on Thursday and enjoying her smell and touch on my soul throughout the day. Her love has never failed me, and for that I will never have to stop loving her.