Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I never thought I'd be quoting her...

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. "

-Carrie Bradshaw


Hello

If you ever pull that shit again with my little sister I am going to break ever single bone in your face with a baseball bat and then I am going to proceed to slice off your balls with my scalpel.

=)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Somedays I have to really try not to drive to where you live and kick you in the face


And on the days when I just have way too much time alone to myself to think.... wonder why it is I ever like you at all in the first place.

"if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit."
-HJNTIY

Friday, May 27, 2011

Don't do that. Don't just disappear on me.


Don't this think this thing is just going to fizzle away. That time will heal all wounds. That time will make me stop feeling what I feel for you. Don't just think that if you go away and stop talking to me and I move away and we never speak again that this thing, these feelings I have are just going to go away. Because they won't. I'm going to need you to tell me. To tell me it's over. Forever. I am an extremely quick learner. I have a very strong intuition. BUT without those words, this thing, could last a lifetime. Because I'm not running this time. I'm actually learning and I'm growing and when things seem to get scary and hard and start to look like they might just hurt me, my first instinct is still to end it before I end up being the one who is hurt. And yet, I'm not. I am still standing here waiting; waiting for you to say those words. They are not that hard, I just need to hear them.

Because I don't want you to disappear. If you're not going to exist in the same way, thats okay. People heal, but they don't heal from an ending with no goodbye. Rational people, we need to hear goodbye, otherwise we'll always wonder if you're going to come back someday.

So don't do that. Don't just disappear on me.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's strange your face....I don't see you anymore


TODAY,

I don't know you anymore. Well, if we're being completely honest I haven't known you for a very long time. You don't know me anymore. You and I existed in a whole other realm or realms. But we existed once. Together. As a WE. And so because of that fact, I can still feel you; or at least what I am choosing to believe is you. You're different. I knew it today. Felt it in my strides and in my being, that something great and true had happened. Something that would change so much and yet nothing in the same. YOU are different today, and you will be more different tomorrow and every day from now forward. But you changed. That is singular. We haven't changed, and part of me wishes we had. Because I feel left behind, but in the same moment I feel grown. Grown like life is slapping me across the face and pointing toward reality telling me to grab onto it before that too pulls away. And I held on to this notion for so long, that when things start to look better I find a way to fuck them up. But I need to stop, because all that is left when things are done is the feeling that they should be together and they're not because I have done something. Something to eliminate the feelings of good, so as to escape the feelings of bad. Yet, it always backfires.

So TODAY,
You will be you. The you you were meant to be. The you I always knew you would someday be.

And I, I will fix what I have broken. I will LET myself be happy, and keep from breaking what I know is good.

And WE will go on. Marching fourth. Handless.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I seem to do this a lot...


thanking you that is. I thank you for showing me the good in my life and in love and in so many other things. Today was a rough day. I had a lot of stressful things going on with a lot of different aspects of my life, but the one thing that really held strong was you. I am a strong person and you know that, but what I appreciate even more than that acceptance is the fact that you also know without me even having to say it, that I really need to lean on you; that I really need to know you care about me even when I seem to be completely floating outside of my body. And you have followed through every time so far without even the slightest hit of weakness. It's like you can read my mind and you just know the exact right thing to say to me to make me feel better. You know you can't completely make everything go away, but hmm just the feel of being wrapped in your arms and listening to stories of stuff that happened with your patients on your shift just calms me down and makes me feel so safe and taken care of. So thank you for just being you. I honestly could not have asked for anything more. We aren't perfect, and we definitely have major things that we think so differently on, but the fact that we can respect each other and love on another's flaws and compensate for the weaknesses just makes me feel that much more safe in your hands. You're energy and beauty is contagious and I just love you so much. I'm glad I have you to love. Being with you is the good life.

Love,

Sweetpea




There's this crazy thing.....


called letting people you care about, KNOW that you actually care about them. And you my dear....SUCK at it.

It's not this incredibly hard task. Basically it entails ACTUALLY telling people you care about them. It's sort of easy when you think about it. You just open up your mouth, or your phone or drive your ass somewhere to tell the person or people that you care very much about that you do in fact care very much about and for them.

It does not require you:
-buying obnoxiously corny gifts
-crawling up their ass to build a home
-getting mad at them for hanging out with people other than yourself
-throwing temper tantrums
-crying about not spending enough time with them
-texting them until they respond with "leave me alone"
-or any other stupid shit people do to "show" they care

IT DOES require you to:
-smile a lot when you are around them
-give them hugs and kisses when appropriate (and even when it's not)
-do spontaneous things for or with them
-sometimes send a good morning text
-sometimes just randomly let them know you are glad they are in your life
-respond to their texts with something other than one word answers

oh yea....AND SAYING YOU CARE IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM!!!!!

SO why is this so difficult for you? Why are you so NOT capable or expressing that you care for someone, possibly very deeply? Instead you hide away and don't answer texts and basically avoid all conversation if at all possible because you clearly have a fear of abandonment. Wanna know a secret?

WE ALL DO.

Not one single person I actually know is NOT afraid of being lonely. Of being totally and utterly abandoned. But the thing is, is that we cause ourselves to be abandoned by not allowing our hearts and minds and bodies to let people in and feel that love, or even that caring.

SO ya know what? STOP ignoring the texts and let the people or person you are also having those feelings for KNOW that you feel that way. Or else they're just going to move on and you're going to be hurt and lonely because of you. It's sad but it's true.

TELL PEOPLE YOU FUCKING CARE!!!!!



Friday, May 20, 2011

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I don't even know what to title this because it's like the writer is speaking straight to my past

I always said I'd be happier alone. I'd have my work, my friends, but someone in your life, all the time, more trouble than it’s worth. Apparently I got over it.


There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love, and then you don’t have it. What if you like it, and lean on it, what if you shape your life around it, and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage, it’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This... it could go on forever.

–Meredith Grey



Tuesday, May 17, 2011

She did

Sometimes she still secretly does. So do I.

I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do


So what if I'm not needy? So what if I don't want to crawl up your ass on a regular basis? So what if I madly and stupidly fell in love with you and I'm afraid to let you know because the last time I let someone know me and love me I got really hurt, because they left? They didn't even really leave, they're actually still very much around, but ya know that fear that some people tend to have; that one that the person they're madly in love with will just wake up one day and not be in love with them anymore? Well I lived that. And the worst part is there's never any real reason why it happens. You just wake up one day and feel differently. So please forgive me for not wanting to look too needy, or wanting to let you know how incredible you make me feel, or the butterflies you give me whenever I see your name pop up on the front of my phone. I've been hurt, but I am not one of those girls that lets that damage get in the way of letting myself love again; Obviously. I'm just a little afraid because I forgot what this out of control feeling was.

It's a little bit funny,
this feeling inside.
I'm not one of those,
who can easily hide.

I don't really know what else to say other than thank you. Thank you for reminding me what this feeling feels like. For convincing me that love still exists in this way. That the butterflies in me didn't die. I guess they were maybe just waiting for someone like you to come along.

Rose

Friday, May 13, 2011

promises are useless without a good word backing them




And they are all just empty promises, because if you meant them you would have DONE something about it by now. You would have done more than just wait. You would have gotten on a plane or in a car or a boat or on a fucking scooter and done SOMETHING about it. You would have followed through with all those threats. And I'm not going to push you to do it or give you even the slightest hope that by now it's just too late for you to do all of these things because you waited to long, and even freaks and people who understand even some of the ludicrous things in the world just don't understand this fear, and so we move on, because waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass just takes too long. And if you really wanted to change it, your threats wouldn't be idle, they'd BE on my doorstep, in my face and with love in those stupid eyes of yours because DAMMIT, I deserve an apology. I deserve a hundred apologies even after I close the door in your face and I deserve you pitching a fucking tent on my front lawn so that you can hand me the newspaper every morning until I get so sick of seeing your face I let you talk to me. And EVEN THEN I deserve ANOTHER apology and then I deserve a hug and a kiss...because I am worth that. I am worth all of that effort. Every single ounce of it, because I would have loved you forever and I would have loved your flaws even more. This might seem like a big commitment to you. A lot of time off off whatever job you think is getting you some place right now but that is what I'm worth, so if it's too much for you forget everything else. You can forget showing up on my doorstep in a few months or a few years or decades and telling me how you wished you had just grown the balls to do it, and how much you regret it. Because by then, you'll be the very last thing on my mind and I know I'll still be right there in the front of your head. SO shit man....or get the fuck off of the pot.


Always and Forever

I stopped holding you to any and all promises a long time ago....so you wanna keep holding yourself to them fine, because it;s not like I forgot any of them, I just don't believe they'll hold like stone anymore.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A piece of my soul recognized you and now when you're not around it longs for your embrace


I just want you to know I think about you still....still like it's been a long time or something. And yet I miss you, and I worry and wonder how you are. Pretty regularly actually. I know maybe you thought I was going to forget about you with us not talking and being so far away from each other but I didn't. I don't think I could even if I really tried. You're like a piece of me and I don't want to lose that. I spend a lot of time just picturing your face and letting myself miss you. I haven't ever really missed someone like this before other than my grandpa and well...he died over 6 years ago....so it's just been a while since I really let someone in enough to miss them the way I miss you. I hope you don't think this is creepy. I guess this is me letting you know I think maybe I'm going to let myself love you, if you'll let me. You don't even have to love me back....I just want you to know someone really cares about you and what you do and who you are. You have this way about you that can make everything bad sort of just...vanish. Like drifting mist. I wish you were nearer.

Always

Friday, May 6, 2011

Thursday, May 5, 2011

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." - James Earl Jones


I love you.
Simple and true.
No hearts, or fancy balloons.
No heart stopping presents.
No big gestures.
Not even a card or a picture.

Just the words.

I. Love. You.

They mean something, in this world where a lot of things mean nothing.

I'm not afraid. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Take it or leave it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

happiness within your reach....just reach out and grab it



I didn't think this was going to be this hard. I have school work and work-work and friends to keep me occupied for two weeks or even a month. I keep myself really busy on purpose. I didn't want to get attached to the point of my soul aching. But we never get a choice in that matter. We don't get to be the ones to decide who we fall out of and in love with. I thought I was going to be able to control this, control my yearning for your touch and scent and presence. But I can't. I miss you so much. And I'm starting to think I fell in love with you. That I didn't even realize I was doing it, because it wasn't like this giant leap of faith or anything insane. I just sort of tripped into you, in the way you trip on an uprooted tree root. You're looking down, and you're paying really close attention to where you place your feet so you don't stumble or fall or make a fool of yourself, but the second you look up you lose your balance and trip over the root you hadn't seen because it looked like a stick or a leaf was in the way. It doesn't matter what was there, because you didn't see it, but what you do see is the hand helping you back onto your feet. And you just can't look away. That's what your like; A tree root. And you know how I love trees.


Monday, May 2, 2011

This Overwhelming Feeling


So today I was sitting at the dinner table and the discussion turned to Osama Bin Laden's Death, mostly because it had been on the news all day since late last night, but also because my aunt shoved the news paper in my face while I was cooking and asked, "Aren't you happy we finally killed him?" And my response was, "I'm still deciding how exactly I feel about his murder." Because that is what it was. We murdered Bin Laden. The United States has been spending billions upon trillions of dollars to search for this one man and murder him? And then I started to cry; not tears of joy but tears of sadness because we are just like them. We are murderers and killers, terrorists claiming to believe in god above all else.

Well, I don't know about you, but I grew up in a Christian church and MY god...whoever that may be now, would not be okay with the murder of Osama Bin Laden. I am not saying that it was okay for him to command the murder's of so many people on September 11th, 2001, nor any of the other acts of terrorism that have resulted in the death of anyone. I am simply saying that if locked in a room with him, I'm sure he would not offer me the same sense of peace that I would offer him, and with that knowledge I still do not celebrate his murder. Hatred and war and terrorism cannot be fought with it's likeness, but only with it's opposite. Peace.

It is not a celebration for another human being to have been murdered, no matter how awful and hateful that person may have been this life. I have 2 brothers who have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. I understand the need for dictatorships to be dismantled, but bombs against bombs, will just kill off everyone and the world with it. Why didn't we get to see his body? Was it because we were so ashamed of the brutality with which we inflicted upon such a man that we could not show the rest of the country that the man they blamed for our terror was now gone from this earth? I fear that is the case.

"Rot In Hell" was the New York Times's front page headline above his face this morning. Rot in hell....what a message to send to the world about the way NY feels. Tragedy struck them harder than just about anywhere in America on 911, yet "Rot in hell". Have we not risen above such unabashed hatred in ten years? Have we not found a sense of pride in the comings together AFTER 911, rather than a cold ocean of frozen hearts?

I am aware that this piece may make more than a few people mad. But you know what makes me mad? Humans have already begun their backlashes, yet they are aimed at the wrong people, just as Bin Laden's people blamed the United States for their problems. How DARE you write such hateful violent messages on the holy sanctum of a Muslim. Did we blame all Christians for the violent and disgusting acts of the KKK? No we did not, so why do we now STILL look upon an entire religion and group of human believers and see only fire? Those are the reason's these wars have yet to end. Because we refuse look at one another in love and peace; we can, and yet we choose not to. It is the most major flaw of the human creation and it saddens me to the point of exhaustion.

Osama Bin Laden. You were not a kind man by any means on this earth, but I do wish you peace and grace in your next life. May the next world be not as unkind as this. May your death bring peace to those who needed it and let them not ask for any more bloodshed in their lifetime.

Amen

(funny we BOTH Christians, and Muslims alike say that at the end of a prayer)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

I never know what to do with my love.


Sometimes I think I like music more than I like people in my life. Not because the people in my life aren't amazing...because they are, but there are days, and I mean FULL DAYS where I lock myself away from the world and just listen to music all day and idle around in my own little world. And I love it, because it makes me happy in a different way than anything else. Kind of like looking at the stars and feeling like you're this small little piece to something so massive? Well music makes me feel a part of this incredible piece of culture and life. I don't understand people who sit in their cars by themselves and don't listen to music. Silence is just so damn loud, and there's hardly ever not a song that someone somewhere has sung about something you're currently feeling. Which is probably the number one thing I love most about music. It connects us all on this most basic level of humanity and allows the knowledge that we may all think and look and do things differently, but we all feel emotions so similarly. It allows that sense of hope that no matter what you're feeling someone somewhere understands. It means you're not alone. And so even when I am in my own world, I'm really with millions of people. Love music. It's what makes the world spin like it does. You get that, thanks for getting that even if you get nothing else.