Today I found out that I am officially a straight A student. I am capable of straight A's in difficult and easy subjects. I always knew I was a good student, but with lack of belief from some people, it was hard to truly believe that if I really wanted this then I could do it. I can be what I want most to be in this life if I put in the time and effort. Slacking is not a good look on me as I have come to realize over the last few years, but if challenged in both my skill and intelligence I have found that I can have everything that I want.
All anyone really wants is to be happy though. And I have found that you don't get to be happy just because you want to be. You have to work for it. My English teacher in 11th grade told me once that "happiness is a full time job". I didn't realize how right he would be until I found myself unhappy and unwilling to do something about it. So I buckled down and decided I was going to find the things again that made me happy. It was definitely not easy.
I found that going backwards doesn't always make you happy. Sometimes when we grow, we grow away from the things that made us happy in the past. Sometimes we're lucky and some of the things that used to make us happy still do. Digging into your self isn't something that at least for me is fun. I don't like to look into the things that cause me pain or hurt. But I have found that sometimes looking into those things enables you to realize what made you feel so bruised in the first place. Sometimes you are hurt by love, but it's not that person's fault, that you didn't love yourself enough to walk away from the pain. Other times you lose someone who was close to you, but you have to remember that they left behind significant pieces that help shape who you are. And other times it's just a memory that you haven't quite let go. Everyone deals with things at a different pace and searches through themselves at different points in their lives. I have no doubt that I will find myself digging through at many more points throughout my life; perhaps one of those days will be the day I get married, or have a child or maybe it will just be an ordinary day with no specific significance at all.
Either way, this time around I like who I am. I like that the things that hurt me in my past help make me who I am whether I liked it when it was happening or not. I am proud of who I am. I am proud to be a straight A student because it means someday I might be able to do what I really love and maybe even go back to the place that has inspired me more than anywhere in the world. I also like that I have people who love me in my life and who care very much for me and who I know I can lean on. It's a big difference from the last few years and I'm thankful to be able to say all of this. Happiness is achievable, but no one said getting there was going to be a cake walk.
