Set yourself free

Just finished an episode of Grey's Anatomy and it was sad yet inspiring all at the same time. She fell for her best friend's fiancée and didn't stand as the maid of honor at the wedding. She let him go and she talks about how she thought there would be plenty more men just like him in her life, but there weren't and that's what makes the story sad. The fact that there was never another man that she felt that way about ever again, but when he asks her to move in with him and basically promises her all she had once dreamed about, she tells him that she got over him. That she moved on and had kids and grandchildren with the man that she did end up marrying. This is what broke my heart and mended it at the same time; kind of the way Nicholas Sparks books have a away of tugging on those ever so prominent heart strings. It's not that she ever loved someone the same way that she loved him, because there was NEVER another him....but it doesn't mean she didn't move on with her life. And oddly enough, he didn't. Sad huh? and definitely weird. Funny how life can throw love all around, it;s just your job to catch it and keep it, or figure out that maybe that love was never meant to keep, but that instead it was meant to set free, and so you set yourself free too.

-A friend of mine took this picture. I hope she sets the person who she loved free someday, and in turn sets herself free from the love that binds her.

Sometimes life is hard, but it's always beautiful

Haven't been on this for a while. Things are going pretty awry and getting pretty hectic as the summer is ending. Looks like I'll be doing a year at community college getting all my classes in order so that I can start at CCSU next fall in their Nursing program and ready to start the clinical portion of my education.

The apartment thing is kind of at a stand still since my best friend just told me about 2 days ago that she'll be moving to TN in January so that she can claim residency there when she starts at Middle TN state in the Fall 2011 semester. Funny how life tends to throw you curve balls just as you think you're finally going to hit a home run.

Well I can't say I'm exactly thrilled about the way things have turned out at the end of this summer but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't survive. I've survived a lot in two years and consequently things are definitely different in my life. I'm leaving a place that I have had both the privileged and the pain of calling home for the last two years and oddly enough I'll be a little sad to leave it behind. I am glad though to have made the friendships and bonds that I did make and keep. There are a few people here that I think i'll most likely keep in pretty good contact with for probably the rest of my life and who I will most definitely miss when I move back home, but I also believe I'll be up to visit plenty and of course they're ALL welcome to drop by my house...which is where I'll most likely be spending the year. Or at least half of it. Visitors, friends, and family have always been welcome in my home, even strangers. Things are turning up for me though.

I chatted with my mother yesterday, which is unusual as of late because she and I haven't been very close basically since I left for school 2 years ago and dated a girl...who now, oddly enough is a man and one of my very best friends. But seeing as I'll most likely be living under her roof for the next 4 months I figured I might as well start getting on better terms with her. I miss my mom; the way we used to be when I was in High School. I wonder if we can ever get back to the way we were. Probably not, but in all honestly...I think I like that we're both making an effort to get to know things about each other again. That way we don't have to go back to something; instead we can move forward and form something similar and different while still having some kind of mutual kindness and loving between us. Anyways, she said that it sounded nice to her to have me living at home and that I guess she talked to my sister Smace and my beautiful nephew's mother put in a good word for me while also planting the excellent idea in my mother's head that when she and my father retire at the end of this school year and finally move down to the Florida place that instead of selling my childhood home that they rent it to me instead. And by rent it to me I mean that I cover the bills (elect., Heating. and water as well as cable and internet) and they let me have the house to myself or provide me with the option of renting off the rooms (which I'm not sure I would do...but maybe) and that way Whitney would still have a place to come home from college too and so would my other sister's when they came to visit as well as when and IF my parents flew in for the holidays. This also provides them with someone to watch over and keep the house looking nice while they are away and gives them a few more years or whatever for the market to get better before they sell the house. (who's Meredith Grey again?) So, I guess we'll see.

Right now all focus is on placement testing, class schedule forming, car finding and of course Dress shopping ( for Smace's second wedding ;)

Looking forward to the fall and all the stress that comes along with it. As well as some actual family bonding time. I have missed weekend trips to the farm, horse back riding through the vast amount of land that has provided my family with a well known name in some parts of Connecticut, Grandma's church on Sunday's with a grandma only cooked lunch right after and just seeing my family and learning about their lives. I need to be home again and be around my people. There just aren't enough of MY people here in MA. I'm ready to feel completely whole again, and I know it takes time and there will always be scars, but I know going home will cause them to fade more than anywhere else...and then when I'm done I can move on to a new home.

I'm happy. Be happy for me. I will always love you...but it's time for me to go now. Please don't forget me...and visit often just as I will do the same, for I will miss the promise in your face.Love forever and always.

Mistakes we knew we were making

We made plans to be unbreakable,
love was all we knew.
No insurance for the unthinkable,
blindly get us through.
We've been searching for a lifetime-
short as it may seem.
Riding on the fumes that spark us,
while igniting dreams.

why boys are way better than girls...

So about my nephew, Sia already being the SHIT!!!!!

Burke was... he took something from me. He took little pieces of me - little pieces over time, so small I didn't even notice, you know He wanted me to be something I wasn't, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me, Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn't Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would've married him. I would have. I lost myself for a long time, and now that I'm finally me again, I can't. I love you. I love you more than I loved Burke. I love you. And that scares the crap out of me, because when you asked me to ignore Teddy's page, you took a piece of me, and I let you. And that will never happen again.

- Christina yang

I don't think I'm as hard core or been though as much as she has but when it comes to men and ourselves...we are very similar.

Sometimes crazy people just have a different formula for life

I'm just gunna sit right here and be real honest with you. I am fully aware that I'm a little crazy..hell...I can definitely be a lot crazy. But I'm definitely NOT you're typical crazy. I'm sure plenty of you have pulled the same shit that I have before and probably haven't gotten called crazy because you just don't tell anyone what you're really doing...but people still think you're just a crazy bitch because that's how you want them to think of you. Well at least I do. man...I hope this isn;t too confusing because I'm really trying to get someone to understand this BESIDES my best friend because that would at least make me feel a little less crazy.

Alright have any of you ever checked out of the relationship before the other person but knew they weren't really in it either so you sort of just let them dump you because you didn't want to deal with it? Okay cool. Well that's usually the first step. But then they dump you and everything gets all messed up. (like the relationship wasn't messed up in the first place) But anyways. SO they dump you and instead of acting like some crazy bitch you act calm and cool as a cucumber about it and even suggest staying friends if that is what they'd like. (that's where EVERYTHING literally goes awry) There seems to be something in their brain that goes off and decides "nope...there's no way someone can be this calm after I dump them, nope, I'm gunna get to the bottom of this. " So what they do is they push you and nag you and make you seem like a really awful person for NOT being ridiculously upset that they dumped you even though they weren't even into the relationship either so why the heck should it even matter...they even go as far as to call you a slut, or a whore or a tease and a bitch or whatever insults that they think would suit you enough to tell them exactly WHY you want to stay friends still, WHY you aren't sitting in front of them bawling your eyes out and begging for them back.

And that's when you become the crazy person that you were avoiding in the first place...

That is what happens to me.

That's when my instinct to push you away as fast as possible kicks in. To get you to not to care so much anymore at any cost. It causes me to lie and do the craziest shit I've ever done in my life just so that you think I'm so crazy you get mad at me and you want nothing to do with me anymore. I can make you think that I'm going to drink myself dead, or that I go up to my room and I cry for hours; make you think I get extremely violent to the point where I'll beat the living shit out of you or I just plain turn into a dirty bitch. (non of which I have ever really done over someone but all of which I have had a history in so it's not too hard to convince you, even though all of that stuff happened a long time ago and I have grown way beyond pretty much all of it) And it works every time...well almost every time. There are two people who are still around even though I pretty much pulled all of the bull shit on them too...that's how I know I am crazy but sometimes someone who actually cares will just sit through it and wait patiently for me to finish trying to push them away till I get tired of trying and just accept that they are going to be a permanent fixture in my life...and I LOVE them both very much for it. They mean absolutely EVERYTHING to me because they're the two people that allow me to still believe that I'll find someone and get happily married someday even if if I try to push them away like this. And that's the only type of person I'm going to want anyways.

Thanks for listening. I just really needed to tell someone that I KNOW that I'm crazy..and that I do really dumb things...but it's MY way of seeding out the rotten apples from the absolute best. Sorry for hurting your feelings and pretending to be someone that I'm REALLY NOT. I'm working on it, or at least I like to pretend that I am because If I am being completely honest I know I won't stop being this crazy because now it's just all part of what makes me, me. And someday I'm going to find them. I'm going to find the one and I am going to have no one to thank but the two of you.

So thank you.

Sluts

Happy slut day to me. =/

I am neither a:

1. a dirty, slovenly woman.

2. an immoral or dissolute woman; prostitute

So stop calling me a slut. I'm tired of it and quite frankly it says more about you than it does about me. You're all pathetic. So FUCK OFF.

You are literally pathetic.

YOU BROKE UP WITH ME!!!!! So why are you acting like this little sad puppy and getting mad at me because I'm alright? Why are you mad at me because i already moved on from you? Did you really think that I was going to be one of those girls that sat around and cried over you for days so you could go tell all your friends how you know you did the right thing by dumping me but I'm just so sad and pathetic and I can't handle it...how I must have fallen so much harder for you than you did for me. You make me sick. It's guys like you that I love to dump me. I love to watch your reaction when I tell you I'm fine and that we can still be friends if you want. Because it never ceases to fail that for some reason the second you dump me and I'm okay you want me back and you think you've made some kind of mistake. Because according to men like you...women are suppose to be upset when you dump them even though you were a crappy boyfriend in the first place. It's so funny...like literally WHY are you so upset that I'm not upset? You should be thanking your lucky stars that I'm not some crazy bitch who wants to key your car or break into your room and rip everything apart. you're so pathetic....which is why I already found someone else.

Tired of Games

I am so friggin serious right now. I am on literally my last nerve with you. Why do you feel the need to constantly put me down? what have I done to you other than actually care and try to be what you ask of me and all you seem to do is want to take all of your shit and dump it on me. I am so tired of being every one's dumping ground. You literally have the nerve to come down here at 4 in the morning and pretending like your shit doesn't stick and ask me what's wrong and I say I have literally had a migraine for 3 days straight and then tell me I act like I'm dying....please you fucking deal with a migraine for 3 days and tell me if you would want to sit here discussing our relationship at 4 am. You complain about going without pot for 4 straight days out of a WHOLE YEAR. You're pathetic. I am so frustrated with you I have no idea what I feel for you right now, but I can sure as fuck tell you it's nothing good. YOU asked me to be your girlfriend. YOU pushed that title, and now YOU think you can honestly walk around here acting like the shittiest boyfriend I have EVER had and think I'm not going to say something about it? Well let me tell you...I learned from my mistake last time. I'm not about to let you walk the fuck all over me. I am not about to stick around and suck it up while you act like you're some hot shit who can do and say whatever he wants regardless of anyones feelings and then if they don't like what you have to say you just put them down more? well fuck you. I am so done with this shit. YOU don't understand that I can find another you ANYWHERE.....but I wasn't really looking for another one of you. I have DATED YOU before...I wanted someone different; yet somehow I got YOU again. Back to the drawing board...because I am so tired of playing these games.

YOU always get the crazy ones

I'm not quite sure that you can handle me. I know you say it all the time that you can't, but you always seem to stick around anyways. I know you've said you're done with me twice now because I'm a lot to handle...and I know that I am so I wouldn't blame you if you walked away, but I really like you. And it's annoying and frustrating because I didn't want to like you this much and a lot of the time I don't. I think you can be really immature and annoying. I also don't think you really know how to be a boyfriend. I think you like the title and the fact that I am only with you, but I don't think you know how to be a good boyfriend or even really a boyfriend at all. Let me tell you how I like my men:

I like my men to want me, all of the time. I want their want known to me and to people around me.

I want my man to not be able to keep his hands off of me, but have the restraint to be able to do it, and yet at the same time still make it very much known to me how much he wants to just be touching me in some way.

I like my men possessive; not in the way where I can;t talk to other men or have my own life and freedom, but in the way where I know they are protective of me and make it clear without being an asshole that I am THEIR woman and no one else's.

I like my men to be confident enough in themselves that they don't need their ego stroked on a regular basis, only to leave my needs unmet.

and I especially like my men to show that they want to be with me and with no one else. I don't care how hot you think that girl walking down the street was or how great the sex was with your ex; for now you;re with me and you can go tell your boys all of that information, but I DON'T want to hear it.

So maybe I am a lot to handle and maybe I'm too much for you but did you ever even consider the possibility that you're not enough for me?

I don't want to be here anymore.

I literally HATE being yelled at; by anyone....which is generally why I don;t yell at people unless i can;t hold it back anymore. I'm tired of being yelled at here, tired of defending who I am and why I am this way. He hit me and if fucking hurt. That's all you need to know. So why is it that you're calling me a baby telling me I can't handle pain and telling me that I need to stick up for myself and that no one needs to defend me to get him to stop. Why can't you just be protective of me? Why can't you just understand that no matter how much it seems like nothing to you and to everyone else it was something to me. Don't call me embarrassing because I have a reaction to the way you deal with things, you may not like my reaction, but I didn't like yours either...or perhaps your LACK of reaction. Instead I am the one who's messed up, I'm the one who made a scene and I'm the one who's blowing this way out of proportion. Next time I'll slap him, and see if that gets a reaction out of any of you. Because the thing is, is that I'm SURE it will. Because him hitting me and biting Steph and punching you is something that we all seem to just take in around here. Well, I don't let men hit me. I already have an anger problem and it takes literally everything I have not to punch him every time he does something to me....but I can;t take it anymore. I'm tired of him not knowing his own strength and just thinking he can push me and slap me and punch me...becuase I BRUISE. I bruise and I look like my boyfriend fucking beats me and he doesn't. I'm tired of people yelling at me becuase I'm the only one who has a serious problem with the way he touches me. I'm not going to appoligize for making a scene and I'm not going to appoligize becuase I thought maybe...just maybe I finally found a guy who could control himself NOT to beat the living shit out of any guy who laid his hands on me, but who could at least TALK to the guy and tell him to cut it out and that he couldn't touch your woman like that. I mean shit...my brothers would have gladly jumped at the chance to defend me and my body and the way a man touches me. Sean or Derek would have laid him out flat, Shawn would have told him if he ever did taht again he would make sure is ass was in jail, and Ardeshir would have told him to grow the fuck up and learn his own strength and realize that you should NEVER touch a woman like that....but you...all of you just sat here and blamed me and called me a baby. Well fuck you. I want my brothers. I want the men who will defend my honor and my woman hood and my body against any man who even thought twice about touching me like he does on a regular basis. So , I want to go home. I'm done being teamed against and being told I'm a baby and I'm embarassing and I'm annoying and whatever else you have to say becuase all of you need a dumping ground and my self esteem gets it...Like I wasn't enough of a dumping ground this last year. Thanks a bunch for being the friends I always dreamt of having.

All we need is LOVE

The baby was born at 2:41 A.M. on Monday July 5th 2010. It is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and my sister and her husband are happy and exhausted and rightfully so. It was a difficult birth, but the baby is fine now and so is Smace. I am so blessed to have these people and this baby in my life. Thank you whoever helped make sure that having this child was possible and please keep a watchful eye out for this child and his parents as they now learn all the difficulties and joys of parenting.

peace and love and blessings to all on such a beautiful July morning.

I am now an Ameh (Aunt) to a boy. I love that word for Aunt, it's a beautiful word.

BABY!!!!!

The baby is on it's way...literally. She's hitting contractions between 1 and 2 minutes now. I'm going to pee my pants. Medita says not to and that as a 20 year old I should be able to control my own secretions....but HOLY SHIT....there is about to be a baby BOY in my family. We don't have boys in my family...and I am SO EXCITED!!!!! My mom is on her way out to MN in the next two days to help with the baby and give Ardeshir and Smace some sleep and time together after she shoves this human out of her vagina...I cannot believe that those things actually come out of that little hole..I mean I know it gets bigger obviously...but WOW....lol Okay, just wanted you all to know I'm pretty much guaranteed a nephew on this July 4th 2010 and I am so excited. I wonder if Ardeshir will pass out... haha. okay...that was mean. ANYWAYS...

Okay trivia time: who's birthday did we always celebrate with and american flag cake made by yours truly with of course when I was younger help from my mom and sisters even though his birthday was in May strictly because the 4th was his favorite holiday?

Answer... My Grandpa Randall

; it's like this baby is carrying a piece of him back to us.

I feel incredibly blessed. Thank you

It's one hundred and nine degrees in this crowded room

No room to breathe with walls as cold as a gallery
This is no place for me
Such hard faces in smoke
The smell lingers in my clothes
It's a bad night to be alone
But that's the way it goes

And I think of you whenever life gets me down
I think of you whenever you're not around
And you rest your bones
Somewhere far from my house
Yeah, but you still pull me home

who do you think you are?

runnin’ ’round leaving scars

collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

it took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
i wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you’re back
you don’t get to get me back

stop listening to this sappy song and start listening to the boys we love so much. I know he hurt you and the pain some days is unbearable because all you want is for the love you promise to be returned....but the right guy is going to return that love and more. He's not worth this much pain, no one is. Love isn't supposed to be this hard. I love you now move forward with your life and try to leave him behind because he doesn't even deserve you.