The Gray Area

See I thought love was black and white. That it was wrong or it was right.

But it's not. There are so many different ways to love someone. You can love someone who you don't even know; a complete stranger. You can love your parents and your family. You can love your boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend. You can love someone and hate them at the same time. You can love your parents even thought they drive you up a wall, or even if they don't seem like they love you back. You can love your siblings and fight with them everyday.

And FALLING in love really is just a bunch of gray area and we're just supposed to open up our hearts and let it float it's way through the mist. You have to let it get shattered so someone else can come and pick it up and hot glue it all back together. And I do mean HOT glue it because love should never be simple. It should be complicated as hell and steamy like you just set your kitchen on fire. It should me messy and filled with kisses and touches, shaking legs and pounding hearts. It should never be boring because when you love someone, boring isn't possible because even when you're bored you can be bored together and that's just as fun.

So send your little heart balloon out there into the world and see what kind of static it brings to your life. Go tell the person you love that you love them. Make big gestures and small frog leaps. Someday it'll all be worth every moment, because it's usually the gray areas in life that bring all the color out.

Don't underestimate the things that I will do

Today I found out that I am officially a straight A student. I am capable of straight A's in difficult and easy subjects. I always knew I was a good student, but with lack of belief from some people, it was hard to truly believe that if I really wanted this then I could do it. I can be what I want most to be in this life if I put in the time and effort. Slacking is not a good look on me as I have come to realize over the last few years, but if challenged in both my skill and intelligence I have found that I can have everything that I want.

All anyone really wants is to be happy though. And I have found that you don't get to be happy just because you want to be. You have to work for it. My English teacher in 11th grade told me once that "happiness is a full time job". I didn't realize how right he would be until I found myself unhappy and unwilling to do something about it. So I buckled down and decided I was going to find the things again that made me happy. It was definitely not easy.

I found that going backwards doesn't always make you happy. Sometimes when we grow, we grow away from the things that made us happy in the past. Sometimes we're lucky and some of the things that used to make us happy still do. Digging into your self isn't something that at least for me is fun. I don't like to look into the things that cause me pain or hurt. But I have found that sometimes looking into those things enables you to realize what made you feel so bruised in the first place. Sometimes you are hurt by love, but it's not that person's fault, that you didn't love yourself enough to walk away from the pain. Other times you lose someone who was close to you, but you have to remember that they left behind significant pieces that help shape who you are. And other times it's just a memory that you haven't quite let go. Everyone deals with things at a different pace and searches through themselves at different points in their lives. I have no doubt that I will find myself digging through at many more points throughout my life; perhaps one of those days will be the day I get married, or have a child or maybe it will just be an ordinary day with no specific significance at all.

Either way, this time around I like who I am. I like that the things that hurt me in my past help make me who I am whether I liked it when it was happening or not. I am proud of who I am. I am proud to be a straight A student because it means someday I might be able to do what I really love and maybe even go back to the place that has inspired me more than anywhere in the world. I also like that I have people who love me in my life and who care very much for me and who I know I can lean on. It's a big difference from the last few years and I'm thankful to be able to say all of this. Happiness is achievable, but no one said getting there was going to be a cake walk.

Lost in Literature

"I have no pretensions whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

We all know Elizabeth Bennett very well. Or at least you should if you don't. She's exactly my type of woman. Strong, bold, challenging and yet she allows herself to be loved. She allows this man who infuriates her and whom she for most of the novel regards with a distaste like that of black licorice, to see her naked. No I don't literally mean in the nude, but more that he sees beyond her witty remarks and scowls to find that her temper and attitude are a way of protecting herself from hurt. Obviously, if you haven't read the novel I'm giving you a spoiler alert now....they end up together. But their battle for love is unlike those of the average couple. It spans over years, socioeconomic status', prides and prejudices in a time were the average person living today can't even begin to understand the meaning of such barriers. It's exquisitely written and drawing in all aspects so much so, that even for someone who is fully aware they should be studying their Anatomy rather than reading a beautiful work of literature, I couldn't pull myself away from Jane Austen's work of art.

I am not a literary snob, unlike my older sister who takes that title with a sense of pride and if she read this I'm sure she would be smiling. I just enjoy art in all forms and I don't always understand everything the way I understand literature. So if you haven't read it, check it out. It might put you to sleep or it might just blow your mind.

I also just really liked these quotes among many throughout the work, and from the author.

"I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

And I too shall be miserable if I someday find myself living in a home without an excellent library. =)

Always

Someday you'll take your life and love into your own hands

And it will be amazing...

So go on baby, make your little getaway. My pride will keep me company, and you just gave yours all away. Oh, now I'm gonna dress myself for two, once for me and once for someone new. I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do. I'm gonna find another you.

Saw this on a friends page and had to re-blog them. I'm not sure what song it's from or if it's from a book or anything just yet. I just had to re-blog it right away. lol This makes me feel strong and I hope it made her feel something too. Lyrics and quotes have a way of doing that, in ways nothing else can. Find the love and happiness where you can and devour it.

this makes me want to listen to Billie Holiday- body and soul =)

Love forever and always

I miss you quite terribly

You're seriously such a booger. And I love it. haha

You are seriously one of the most precious people in my life. I just thought you'd like to know. Also don't tell her but your mum is definitely my favorite mother, obviously other than my own. =) I know you're going to grow up and be totally amazing just like your parents, but honestly, I hope you stay little like this for a little while longer. You're already starting to stand up and I'm super excited, because I can tell you want to start walking already. Let's be honest though, someday your mum is going to show you the videos of when you were little and you're going to see that you tried to walk before you could even crawl!! I wonderer if that's going to be a habit for you. It was a habit for your mum and your Aunt Lindsay but they learned just like you will. You've got to crawl before you can walk kiddo. There's no cheating your way through all of life's little steps. (pun intended) Happy Friday. I know tomorrow is going to be a big day for you. You're mum has told me all about your special plans and I hope you have a wonderful time. I love you very much, and I miss you quite terribly.

Peace and love and kisses always,

Aunt Lindsay

Sweet Serendipity

So, I was thinking next time it's super nice out...we should take a blanket to the farm and lay out in the field and watch the stars. I know you'll be warm because you always are and I'll just curl up next to you so I can be warm too. I'll even break down and bring a thermostat of coffee so you can stay up even though I hate it. Just promise you'll hold me.

I don't ask for alot
No nothing more than I need
Cause' I love what I got
Don't need to play the lottery
I just wanna' be strong
At the end of the road
I don't want to hold on
I want the strength to let go

And I'm doing just fine
I'm always landing on my feet,
In the nick of time,
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain't gonna stress
Cause' the worst ain't happened yet
Something's watching over me like
Sweet Serendipity

And what will be will be, in the nick of time,
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain't gonna stress
Cause' the worst ain't happened yet
Something's watching over me like
Sweet Serendipity

Happy Sunday

Somewhere down deep inside in me
I guess I always wanted to
be part of that beat?
And now I found that in my family
And now I’m happy just to be

Nowhere Man

I could be nowhere with you forever. You make everywhere fun and beautiful. I like waking up next to you, and the way you push the hair out of my face so you can kiss me real light right before you throw the sheets back over my head so I can get used to the sunlight streaming through our window while you hop into the shower. I like how we make breakfast together, and you read the newspaper while I read the Sunday comics and then we read post secret together all curled up on the couch before you have to go into work. Sundays are my favorite day of the week, but waking up to you makes them better. Glad you're mine sunshine.

I had the chance and I passed

I slept with him that summer you cheated on me. I slept in the same bed as him down at the beach for all of the nights I was there. And I was drunk and he was cute and warm and I knew he liked me. And I liked him to; As more than just a friend. He tried to kiss me a couple of the nights while he was holding me. I let him hold me because I was lonely and he was warm. He held me because he loved me and he wanted me to let him. I was more lonely in that bed with him those nights than I have ever felt in my life. I knew deep somewhere in my gut that I wasn't going to be able to feel this warmth anymore when I got back to Salem. I playfully beat off his soft lips each time though because I didn't want to start things with him like that if we were ever going to be together. I didn't want my first kiss with him to be tainted with you. And so I never cheated on you. I never let him do anything but hug me and hold me while we slept together all of those nights.

And it was worth it. It was worth it to get cheated on by you. It was worth it to suffer like I did for the last year because of you. Because last night when he kissed me for the first time I didn't have you in the back of my head. I didn't have the shattering of your heart or the look on your face when I would have had to tell you or the tears you would cry from the pain in the back of my mind. All I had was his lips and mine in that moment and his warmth holding me close. It was worth not cheating on you two summers ago so that this moment with him wouldn't be tarnished with you; So that my beginning and our ending wouldn't be tied together. I am so incredibly warm now, laying next to him as I type this out. He's asleep next to me in the most beautiful slumber; so calm and gentle. He loves me, and I'm slowly finding that I love him back.

Stuttering red tomatoes

Hello you,

Please stop being so perfect all the time. I know you're not ACTUALLY perfect because I need you to have flaws. But how did I miss this for so long? Good thing I finally figured it out. Thanks for listening tonight. That's what makes you so great. You care and thats all anyone really wants.

love,

me

P.S. slipping into bed the other night and having you pull me close and breathe me in was one of the best feelings in my life.

you're the sweetest boy i've ever met and all i wanna do is not be afraid so i can love you